I'm being so hard on everybody, surely people will think what a bossy bitch i am. I feel shocked at myself sometimes. I just can't control my emotions anymore. I'm at the brink of breaking down. Funny thing is, i've been doing it an awful lot lately, crying and getting nothing out of it. And something happens again, or maybe in my head and i feel like crying all over again, like i've never done enough. Bam, my image is tarnished. I care, deep down i really do. Other people might think, "oh what happened to her? being crazy again, is she?" What to do, all i have to do is fake it and think like i just don't care anymore. See, all of these are only really happening in my head. Sometimes i think i'm going crazy too, having those pointless monologues in my mind. I get mad so often i lash out at anyone trying to provoke me, at least i think they are. I lash out at anyone trying to test me, trying to push me to my limits. Now i really feel like crying all over again. Like, everyone's so busy now? Am i the only one so free? The truth is, i'm mad. I'm mad at the world. I'm mad at everyone. I'm trying to hide it, but everytime i let the anger or hatred take over me i feel that way all over again. I'm mad at myself. I'm mad at everyone who doesn't really stop to think what i'm going through. I'm mad at those people who, in an indirect way, made me what i am now. I can't forgive. I'm not able to. I've been thinking to myself what's the cause of all this shit that is happening to me. Maybe it's the steroids? Or maybe it's the negativity that i'm exposed to? The early chapters of Eat, Pray and Love (even though i've stopped reading it)? Or maybe it's just me and i'm desperately finding something to put the blame on? I keep thinking to myself, why can other people be so happy why can't i? Why am i always sulking? Why am i getting more and more negative by the day? Like fuck. Why do i have to go through all these bullshit alone? Why? Why did God put me through this? Why again? Is it taboo to even question that? I'm not losing faith in God, but at least give me a reason. Stop telling me that other people are going through a lot more than me. You don't know me. Telling me that will NOT make me feel better but worse instead. Makes me feel fucking worthless. In the past week, i've learnt that "dream high and you'll get disappointed soon enough". Useless dreaming, really. You plan such a fucking nice life/future for yourself and then you'll wake up feeling sick to the stomach that you won't be able to achieve that. We're just human. It's just a matter of whether fate supports you or not. Sometimes, he'll just tell you "no, chien huey, you won't be able to go to uk or anywhere far to study because you're sick and you'll have to be close to your parents. i'll tell the doctor to say no too, just in case. i'll make you sick yet again and give you another shock just to make sure you won't go, no matter how much you want to, no matter how much research and preparation you've done, I WONT FUCKING LET YOU GO." :) life's so fair isn't it? oh and about why i'm not working and why i'm spending my time being mad at people, that's just because i'm not allowed to. i'm supposed to rest, but the boredom is fucking having a negative blow on me. like i'm just fucking wasting time sitting at home thinking of things and getting depressed, again and again. people ask me, "why don't u find a job? why are you so protected?" oh fuck, like i have a choice. i even had to wear a mask on the airplane on the way to bali for goodness' sake AND I FELL SICK TOOOO LOL. the world is so fucking fucked up it's so unfair living on it.

Blood test shows signs of relapse. I am about to see my dreams perish in front of my eyes. It can't be such a coincidence. Fate is toying with me.

LJGKJGVHJVHJVGHCVHGDGFD

Halooo0ooo0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o.

Looks like chu hua there. :X

Anyway, shall do a rebranding hehe! Young Hearts can do a rebranding why not I do a blog rebranding? :D

Rebranding is the process of giving a product or an organization a new image, in order to make it more attractive or successful.  

Not to be successful or anything, just trying to me.. ME :D

Yay it's the last day of February! That means tomorrow is March. That means results is coming out soon. That means I can start applying to institutions soon. That means now is the time to dream big :D :D :D

I'm sort of exploring the options now that I'm so free. Just going around education advisors one shop after another to ask for more info. I'm doing it all alone + researching some more info on the internet then tell everything to mummy & papa to persuade them. I might say, I'm this close to winning my case muahahahaha. Only err the money factor and err dunno if he will allow or not, since he is for studying locally. Study Malaysia lah! Why waste your parent's money? :/


Baby is getting fatter and fatter. He bites shoes. His nails are so long. He digs up the soil. He barks at stray dogs but not people. Oh boy.

Had a nice dinner last Saturday with loveliessss! Hehehe! Ok-ok lah. Auntie Karen is awsm. She cooked dishes that aren't in the menu specially for me! Hees! Went for a drive after that then some of them came to my house to see baby but baby was so afraid of them he hid under the chair. Realize that baby is only afraid of guys but is friendly to girls. Oh boy.

Sims & Neopets is so addictive. I wanna quit liao la. Read book btr. -.-

I really can't wait for results to be announced. I don't mean I did good, but oh well. Good or bad, who knows? I just can't wait to apply and be accepted by some XX place I dream about. Like stepping into another phase of life you know? Applying to college. Hehe!

Flying to Bali with mummy tomorrow! Hope to relax and do nothing there. Come to think of it I've been doing that for the past two months, relax and do nothing. Hehe!

Went to BC on Monday to talk to an education counsellor but it was closed. Then I went on Tuesday and that girl told me they've stopped education consultancy 1/2 years back. Just my luck. -.-

Mom says find these info as a contingency. I say find this info and wish at the stars. :P

@#$%&

I feel like I've fallen into a well. Deeper and deeper I go. It's dark and cold. Ice cold. Isolated. Not a sound, not a soul. The further I go, the more alone time I have. Getting stuck in those irritating thoughts of mine is a pain. I can't step out of this. I don't want to step out of this. 

I hate playing mind games. 

Why can't you let loose a little? I didn't mean it. I really, honestly didn't. But the fact is, I'm the one not letting lose. It's hard to breathe; it's suffocating me. 

Why are you jutting your head through the door? I don't want you in any of my business, I am sorry. I can't bring myself to tell you this. Treat ME with respect, and I will do the same to you.
I haven't been really honest with myself. Is this what I really want? 

In everything you do, there'll always be obstacles. Really? Oh how fun. 

Why don't you paint your opinions on the wall and wait for someone to care, because there're too many of them for me to give a damn. 

It's MINE. Back off or I'll bite. 

I'm so used to it, whatever you're doing to me. So, go on, lead your life and I'll lead mine. I wish you the best of luck. 

Why don't you stick some plaster on your mouth so that you'll stop talking? Talk with sense, please. 

Sometimes, I appreciate you, a lot. But sometimes, @#$%&. 

You're a changed person now, congratulations. Where's that genuine Louie Vuitton bag that you wanted? 

Keep off my territory. 

I wish I could withdraw myself from the society. But my values are watching my every move. How ironic. 

I wish it could end. I get no excitement out of it. 

The end of the well I'm reaching, in the pitch darkness, just disappear in a loud thud will you?

This is me. Hissing my heart out. A harmless wreck I am.

#

Nurse reveals the top 5 regrets people make on their deathbed.

3. I wish I’d had the courage to express my feelings.   

Many people suppressed their feelings in order to keep peace with others. As a result, they settled for a mediocre existence and never became who they were truly capable of becoming. Many developed illnesses relating to the bitterness and resentment they carried as a result.

We cannot control the reactions of others. However, although people may initially react when you change the way you are by speaking honestly, in the end it raises the relationship to a whole new and healthier level. Either that or it releases the unhealthy relationship from your life. Either way, you win.

Hmm. If I really could express what I feel about everyone. But I don't have the courage to do that.

It's a happy day!

Hehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehe I'm a happy person!

Kk so what happened lately was, on Sunday, I went to do dana in the morning then drove up to Balik Pulau to have lunch! The lunch was FANTASTIC! Uncle Eric who went to Switzerland to study cookery cooked awsm veggietarian lunch for us and called veggiesauruses. Fine dining leh! Starter and main course! Starter was salad with vinnaigrette (balsamic vinegar + apple cider + white wine + red wine) and markisa! Main was portobello  mushroom stuffed with mash potatoes & spinach with breadcrumbs drizzled with his secret sauce! Sipek ho chiak I tell you.

Then Gabriel came around 4. A VERY VERY SHY DOG. I thought he couldn't bark until he started whining and barking at night because he wasn't used to his new home yet. Bathed him today. He's really kinda playful if you get to know him. He bites! Muah! I think he's teeth is still growing that's why he likes to chew on smth. : / SOOO LOVABLE. <3

失去了才懂得珍惜。

Hmm, took eepoh to see Dr. Gopi in the morning today and bought milk for Gabriel, but he didn't like it :(( Went to Auntie Karen's for lunch as usual. <3 my spinach noodles! Yum. And then someone came to my house and brought me presents! A piece of Secret recipe cake, some dogfood (hopefully not for me) and a plushie! Tq Ye Sheng! Hehe! Went out for dinner in Ferringhi Garden after that! Lim Guan Eng was there! <3 <3 <3 But my eyesight so damn poor it srsly failed me :( Together with Lim Kit Siang and idk who else. Food was o-k ish but a group of musicians serenaded me a song! Hehe! <3 OH YEAH forgot my Haagen Dazs cake as a surprise frm my <3 mummy.

I really didn't want to make my bday a big deal this year but heheehehehhehehehehehe i'm so high! Just thought we'd have family dinner will do but see see see lol. Couldn't b more of a better b'day. I feel so loved. :)

Can I Has Baby Elephant?

This or That?

Found this on the net! Ehe! Cos I can think of nth to bloggg so yea. Unless you know who Raina Hein is then I can sit down and tell you how much I adore her! :P

Damn I'm losing money in the Neopets Stock Market. :(((

Phuket was fun! Can see angmoh no wear bra/bikini/anything on the top walking around the beach one.

Can I... Not go for anymore driving lessons? It srsly scares the jitters outta me :((

New dog coming tmr (I hope). His name is Gabriel! Apparently Gabriel is the name of a boy so yeah, Gabriel, who is 5 mths old. Adopted him from a German lady whose mission is out to save the world (jk save street dogs) she currently has 150 dogs in her house in Teluk Bahang. Cos apparently I heard the adoption process in SPCA is long and tedious so I got in touch with this lady thru this page on fb and she arranged for me to meet up with the German lady who takes care of 150 dogs!

Anyway, survey. Please refer to first sentence of this post, unless you forgot the point of this post, tq.

1 - red, rose, or white?	sweet sweet sugar mama red!
2 - salt or pepper?	SALT
3 - pink or blue?	baby blue!
4 - hamburgers or hot dogs?	salmon.
5 - music or movies?	movies.
6 - comedy or horror?	comedy please!
7 - action or adventure?	adventure ;D
8 - summer or winter?	baby it's cold outside.
9 - sun or stars?	stars.
10 - hott or cute?	cute!

11 - walk or run?	walk walk lazy bum.
12 - funny or romantic?	both!
13 - crunchy or creamy peanut butter?	crunchy :)
14 - rings or necklaces?	rings!
15 - camp out or slumber party?	a slumber party while camping out!
16 - white or dark chocolate?	milk!!!!!!!!!!!!
17 - night or day?	night.
18 - blood or guts?	operation dissection!
19 - school or work?	work
20 - surfing or snowboarding?	surfing?????????????????! :O
21 - soft candy or hard candy?	soft.
22 - phone or e-mail?	PHONE.
23 - pencil or pen?	pencil! bit easier to erase off.
24 - pizza or chicken wings?	pizzaaa
25 - dog or cat?	Woof.
26 - spiderman or batman?	spiderman spiderman, does whatever a spider can.
27 - dvd or vhs?	lol. dvd?
28 - snow or rain?	shnow ofc.
29 - fat or skinny?	i sure do like fat choco bars :)
30 - prep or punk?	prep?
31 - water or milk?	water
32 - fruit or vegetable?	grapes!
33 - inside or outside?	in!
34 - friends or family?	family
35 - sweet or sour?	sweet
36 - shoe or clothes shopping?	eeeeeeeeeeeerm hehe. both!
37 - long or short hair?	long?
38 - cocky or shy?	shy
39 - ocean or pool?	ocean
40 - baseball or football?	furball
41 - dancing or singing?	hehe fralalalala~
42 - couch or chair?	couch!
43 - t.v. or computer?	teevee
44 - house or apartment?	house!
45 - hot chocolate or coffee?	hot choc
46 - white or wheat bread?	wheat
47 - rocky road ice cream or butter pecan?	hmm?
48 - dr. pepper or mountain dew?	mmm.
49 - pop tart or toaster strudel?	apple strudel
50 - cake or pie?	cakes yum.
51 - butter or margarine?	butter
52 - mayo or miricle whip?	mm?
53 - french or ranch dressing?	uhmm,
54 - pretzels or potato chips?	chipsssss
55 - pickles or olives?	olives!
56 - black or green olives?	uhm black?
57 - strawberries or blueberries?	grapes.
58 - drumstick or push-ups?	mm....
59 - blt or sloppy joes?	eek.
60 - carrot or celery?	eewww. carrots?
61 - apple or grape juice?	apple ! hahaha.
62 - frosted flakes or fruit loops	the former!
63 - oreos or chips ahoy?	oreossss lalaa
64 - m&m or skittles?	m&ms!
65 - fried chicken or fried shrimp?	NUUUUUUUUUUUU.
66 - chili or clam chowder?	NUUUUU.
67 - strawberry or grape jelly?	grapes!
68 - snickers or milky way?	snickers!
69 - cheese or peperoni pizza?	ahem. cheese.
70 - baked or mashed potatoes?	baked can be fun, cuz u can mash them yourself.
71 - taco or burritos?	i like tacos.
72 - hard shell taco or soft shelled?	hard?
73 - sausage or bacon?	neither.
74 - ravoili or lasagna?	veggie lasagna
75 - cookies or candy?	warm cookies fresh out of the oven yum.
76 - french toast or pancakes?	french toast.
77 - bowling or rollerskating?	baby are you down down down down down
78 - oprah or dr. phil?	Oprah YUSSS
79 - sandals or tennis shoes?	sandals
80 - mac and cheese or cheese and crackers?	cheese & crackers
81 - twister or connect four?	mm?
82 - lobster or crab?	gummy bears?
83 - mexican or itailian food?	la bella italia. i have no idea what i just said.
84 - public or private school?	dunno. public i guess.
85 - turkey or ham sandwitch?	unicorns.
86 - poems or short stories?	stories!
87 - gold or silver?	hmm, white gold.
88 - apple or banana?	apple
89 - Vanilla or chocolate?	choco
90 - 50 Cent or 2pac?	1 mill USD. not greedy.
91 - Face or Body	heart
92 - Fall or Spring	spring!
93 - McDonalds or Burger King?	Mcd
94 - Pepsi or Coke?	apple juice
95 - Abercrombie or Hollister?	abercrombie & fitch
96 - Prison Break or Lost?	neh.
97 - Love or Lust?	love. always.
98 - Truth or Dare?	memememe. you pick!
99 - MySpace or Myspace? ;)	as dead as friendster?
100 - life in prison or dealth penalty?	kill me pwease.

#penanghasitall Thaipusam pt.2

OMGOMGOMG I'm playing Neopets again lol.

******************

@ Jalan Macalister

Hello. I'm not dead.

I really really really miss him.

The most emotional part is that we chose to put him down. Not that we had a choice. The vet called and said he was having diarrhoea and was vomiting all morning they didn't know what to do with him. He looked so so so frail it broke my heart to see him that way. We spent about an hour with him before he was taken inside and then put to sleep. A.I.M.H.

********************


#penanghasitall


Dragon Dance in Straits Quay.

Garland Maker

Lion Dance on stilts at Penang Chinese New Year Heritage and Cultural Celebration.

Tua Pek Kong Seh in Hock Teik Cheng Sin Temple.

Thaipusam celebration on Jalan Utama.

Happy Thaipusam :)

Namaste.

He's gone.

Crying doesn't solve anything, honey.

Here's to the dog,

Who whined so bad during the first few nights when we brought him back to our house.
Who had been there for me through thick and thin for the past 11 years.
Who had accompanied me for walks during evenings, even though he was hard to handle.
Who was such a good guard dog all the visitors were afraid him.
Who pranced and played with us when we finally allowed him to roam the gardens freely at night.
Who had, and still has soft, fluffy white hair.
Who lost his hair a few years back, and became a symbol of hope for me during hard times.
Who was my birthday present when I was 7!
Who aged so gracefully.
Who was, and still is the most beautiful dog, in my eyes.
Who was the cheekiest dog on my list!
Who kept sneaking into our house when he was a puppy.
Who was terribly afraid of fireworks.
Who sat quietly on the ground when I was picking lice off him.
Who NEVER ever bit any of us as a family even if we forced medicine into him, no matter how much he struggled.

Who has now a 50 50 chance of living through the next 3-5 days.

I believe, I believe, I believe. Yes, he will be able to get through this critical stage.