Feelings.

Sigh. I dont know what to say. I want to feel pretty. I want to have a head full of hair. I will heal. I will get better. Because if i dont i wont know what else to do anymore. Yeah it's not a life threatening disease or whatever. *deep breath* but i can't get over it. You know how much hair i'm losing one day? I'm scared. I'm actually desperate. I went for ayurvedic the day after i went to see the western doctor. And i'm having three types of chemicals on my head everyday. I hate the smell of the oil. It clogs up my nose i feel like i want to vomit. I have that on for one hour, wash it off and then apply the herb extract on my spotties. Then the topical con something steroids at night. I dont take the western medicine though. It's for anxiety. See? Even a doctor has to give me medicine for anxiety. I dont believe that pills can control your emotions. If i'm really anxious, it's caused by by the problem not the other way around. Pills can only control the chemicals secreted by the brain for certain emotions. It doesnt solve the problem for you. It's sort of like taking drugs. I get this mood swings daily. Sometimes i feel so down and sometimes i feel really happy. But mostly i just feel indifferent. I drink 3 litres of water everyday since the day i got that jab in hopes of washing all the chemicals out of my body. Please lah. It's chemicals ok! It shouldnt be in my body. I hope i get well before the next shot. I dont want to have sleepless nights again. I wake up like 3 times at night. If all else fails, ah i'll be like one of the bald models on tv. Proud of who i am. But for now, i still dont know if i can get through this process. I hope i get well. Because if i dont. Well.. *shrugs*

Shhh stop complaining.

Like what i read. Hmm. I err.. Had my first round of steroid injection. Except its not on the scalp but on my butt. Lol. Anyway. I hope this works. The doctor said there will be no side effects. I hope so. But i still dont trust western medicine. The treat the disease but not cure it. I mean, this is an autoimmune disease right? So they should sort of balance my immune system instead of having steroids injected into the patient's body for the hair to grow back. Anyway, i hope it does work. I'll stop complaining and see what happens. The doctor is.. Caring. I like him. :)

I'm thoroughly disappointed with this fucking world.

I have alopecia. Okay. I have bald patches across my head. For all i care if i have to shave my head bald so be it. But i'm not going to waste my mom's money. Okay? She just spent nearly two thousand dollars on my hair. Frankly, how can a bottle of 200ml of herb extracts cost 260? I'm disappointed that this world is so materialistic people talk in terms of money. U want to get well? Yeah. A few thousand dollars. No money? Go away we're not helping you. I want to study overseas. I want to. Nothing is going to stop me. Not even my hair. Fine. Shave my head bald. I dont care anymore. I've actually come to the point where i dont care anymore. I'm getting this mood swings when i think of it. How can ONE hair treatment cost 400+? Which involves a massage, a shampoo wash, cleaning, and some herb extracts to go with it. 400 for all those? Once? Are you kidding me? I'm so damn frustrated. I want to get well. I want a full head of hair. Bu i dont think i can get well without spending a few thousab dollars and a minimum of 30 hrs of my life on my hair. No. It's not worth it. Miracle hair expert? Have you ever even considered if u'll spend that large amount of hard earned money on ur child's hair? Fuck. And by any chance, IF i do heal, u're asking me to use your products for life? U're bottle of shampoo costs.. What? A hundred over dollars? Siao ah? Who has that kind of money? Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.

Tomorrow i'm going to see a dermatologist. Wish me luck. I hope he doesnt recommend having steroids injected into my scalp.

I don't actually believe in western doctors and medicine but yeah. That leaves me no choice. Since a bottle of fucking herb extract costs the same or maybe more.

I love my mother. I appreciate every effort she had contributed to healing me. I think she has done enough of that.

And i shouldnt be online now. Anyway, it's my 5th day off facebook. I think i need my blog to keep me sane. I dont want to irritate people around me with these anymore. So i'll have it on my blog.

After watching oprah the other day, i sort of made myself promise not to get frustrated and be depressed because of this small 'hairy problem' that i have. Well, at least i stopped crying an feeling sorry for myself. What an idiot i was.

Fuck the people in the medical industry who is just out to get money. U've made me disappointed in u.

Nothing.

I hate it! I hate the sight of hair strands! I hate the tingling feeling i feel when hair falls onto my skin! I hate it! I wonder how long will it last? If it worsens, i'd rather shave my head bald than bear the humility of the hair falling process. Gosh! At the rate its going, people may think i'm having chemotherapy or something. I cant see my hair in bunches when kakak puts medicine for me. I know i'm exagerating. But when i look in the mirror, what do i see? I see those patches. I see the flaws. I dont feel beautiful and great. I feel.. Like i dont want to step out of the house looking like that. I want to be a princess. I want to feel like one. And i dont think stress triggered this. I think this thing i'm going through triggered stress. I feel so frustrated when i see my hair everywhere. It is MINE. Why does it have to be there, on the floor or on the table or on the bed instead of on my head? I have to be strong? Do i? Can i smile through the process of it? Yes, i'm trying my best to. I just hope it gets better. I'm being optimistic here. But everytime i see hair, i get so damn frustrated i want to hit on something. Its not life threatening or anything but i cant face the society. I cant face myself in the mirror. Be grateful for what i have on my head. I'm trying to. And how am i supposed to recover when i'm under so much stress? I'm lack of sleep. Exam is coming. I want to go for grading. I want what i want! I want to make my mom proud. But i'm near to breaking point. I cant handle so many things. I spent 1 hour on my hair every single day. 1 hour! Argh! I want to beat something up. And please dont stay away from me. This is an autoimmune disease. It isnt contagious. Thank you.