I'm being so hard on everybody, surely people will think what a bossy bitch i am. I feel shocked at myself sometimes. I just can't control my emotions anymore. I'm at the brink of breaking down. Funny thing is, i've been doing it an awful lot lately, crying and getting nothing out of it. And something happens again, or maybe in my head and i feel like crying all over again, like i've never done enough. Bam, my image is tarnished. I care, deep down i really do. Other people might think, "oh what happened to her? being crazy again, is she?" What to do, all i have to do is fake it and think like i just don't care anymore. See, all of these are only really happening in my head. Sometimes i think i'm going crazy too, having those pointless monologues in my mind. I get mad so often i lash out at anyone trying to provoke me, at least i think they are. I lash out at anyone trying to test me, trying to push me to my limits. Now i really feel like crying all over again. Like, everyone's so busy now? Am i the only one so free? The truth is, i'm mad. I'm mad at the world. I'm mad at everyone. I'm trying to hide it, but everytime i let the anger or hatred take over me i feel that way all over again. I'm mad at myself. I'm mad at everyone who doesn't really stop to think what i'm going through. I'm mad at those people who, in an indirect way, made me what i am now. I can't forgive. I'm not able to. I've been thinking to myself what's the cause of all this shit that is happening to me. Maybe it's the steroids? Or maybe it's the negativity that i'm exposed to? The early chapters of Eat, Pray and Love (even though i've stopped reading it)? Or maybe it's just me and i'm desperately finding something to put the blame on? I keep thinking to myself, why can other people be so happy why can't i? Why am i always sulking? Why am i getting more and more negative by the day? Like fuck. Why do i have to go through all these bullshit alone? Why? Why did God put me through this? Why again? Is it taboo to even question that? I'm not losing faith in God, but at least give me a reason. Stop telling me that other people are going through a lot more than me. You don't know me. Telling me that will NOT make me feel better but worse instead. Makes me feel fucking worthless. In the past week, i've learnt that "dream high and you'll get disappointed soon enough". Useless dreaming, really. You plan such a fucking nice life/future for yourself and then you'll wake up feeling sick to the stomach that you won't be able to achieve that. We're just human. It's just a matter of whether fate supports you or not. Sometimes, he'll just tell you "no, chien huey, you won't be able to go to uk or anywhere far to study because you're sick and you'll have to be close to your parents. i'll tell the doctor to say no too, just in case. i'll make you sick yet again and give you another shock just to make sure you won't go, no matter how much you want to, no matter how much research and preparation you've done, I WONT FUCKING LET YOU GO." :) life's so fair isn't it? oh and about why i'm not working and why i'm spending my time being mad at people, that's just because i'm not allowed to. i'm supposed to rest, but the boredom is fucking having a negative blow on me. like i'm just fucking wasting time sitting at home thinking of things and getting depressed, again and again. people ask me, "why don't u find a job? why are you so protected?" oh fuck, like i have a choice. i even had to wear a mask on the airplane on the way to bali for goodness' sake AND I FELL SICK TOOOO LOL. the world is so fucking fucked up it's so unfair living on it.

Blood test shows signs of relapse. I am about to see my dreams perish in front of my eyes. It can't be such a coincidence. Fate is toying with me.