I have too much on my mind.
I have become a person I have never dreamt of becoming on a journey I once thought was my dream. I've become such a frustrated, angry and anxious person. What happened to me? Somehow I've lost it.
Mom asked me to be honest with myself. Do I see myself doing that in the future?
I don't know. I don't see myself sacrificing so much for the sake of other people. I don't see myself running about in the hospital 30 hrs straight without sleep and proper meals. Also, I don't see myself with a stable job next time. There's too many universities in Malaysia producing overload of doctors yearly. Haha. How could I possibly be the lucky few who will get a job? I'm never lucky.
Do I like it there?
Again, no. Honestly, I hate it in Subang. It's like I'm in prison. Confined in the four concrete walls of my room. Wasting time, doing nothing that makes me happy and productive. And friends? What friends?
Oh hoho. And not to mention the tremendous amount of stress. I rmb someone once told me "You cannot really handle stress one hor?" Yala I can't handle stress, so what? I've heard of people sleeping one hour every night to study, and how hardworking you are in med school is defined by how many cups of coffee one drinks a day. Zzz. I'm not going to give up my health just to be a doctor and fall terribly ill. Sorry. I'm not a good hearted person.
Mom told me, don't do it for pride, if I want to quit med school, just quit. Don't care what other people thinks of me, so what if people say that I'm a drop out. And don't do it for money too, she says she'd rather waste that amount of money and see me do what I'd love to do. And that the money is not wasted, I've experienced one year of med school.
I have a good mom.
I had this weird thought yesterday that I wouldn't want to practice as a medical practitioner next time. And that I would pursue something that I really want after I graduate if I do graduate.
I hate how the environment that makes me feel like shit. It makes me feel useless and worthless. Haha. Maybe it's just me. Maybe it's my mind playing tricks on me. I constantly try to view myself in a way how people might view me. Oh and it's not pleasant at all. Oh maybe we got off on a wrong start. Wtf. But I'll never easily trust the people around me.
The only thing that's keeping me going when I'm there is J. And mom, of course. Other than that, it's me against the world.
But but but...
I like what I'm studying. I just don't like the stress that comes along with it. I want to push on. I don't want to give up just yet. There's this tiny amount of hope that we could still rekindle the fire that once burnt viciously.
I say I don't see myself as a medical professional, but I really want to experience being a caregiver in the palliative care unit.
All I know is, I am not doing it for the wrong reasons. I am not doing it for money. I do not see myself doing anything else but this.
