Mighty Joe Young.

Awsm song! Can't help but share it here. TTFN!

Dreams of a Young Girl.

This is personal.

I'll have to blog posts like these once a while to remind myself that life is worth living afterall. So here goes nothing. :-

Like so many other princesses around the world, I dream. Not those that aren't under my control when I having Rapid Eye Movement (REM) sleep, I meant those that makes you tingle when you think of it, when you're planning for your future, when you have nothing better to do but daydream on a bright summer's day.

1. I want to be a National Geographic Photographer.

I think my right brain works better than my left. I've been better at arts (I mean better in comparison between artistic and the systematic part of the brain) (I'm not VERY good at it) (I didn't develop that full potential) (Okay I still suck) since young. You know what? At 6, I wanted to be an artist! God knows what had gotten into me when I was at that age. Maybe it was Neil Buchanan from Art Attack!. Okay, grr. I still don't know what that has to do with photography. But ever since I saw that guy on National Geographic Channel telling people how it felt like when he captured that picture of the snow leopard, camping in the cold for days just to wait for that animal, feeling absolutely satisfied after he took that picture, I WANTED TO BE HIM. You know, when I photograph, all the pain goes away. It's like a natural painkiller without drugs.

2. I want to travel around the world. Backpacking.

Though I seriously doubt that I could do that. Haha. Especially that very last word at the end. I want to wake up in Paris in a four poster bed of a grand hotel with chandeliers, antique sofas, and flower wallpapers with the Eiffel Tower outside the window. I want to sip coffee (ok substitute with hot chocolate because I don't like coffee) while doing a crossword puzzle (ok substitute with Sudoku because I don't know how to do crossword puzzles) (dimwitted) in a coffeeshop by a boulevard in Paris. Or better yet Champs Elysees (dunno there got coffeeshop or not) while admiring Arc de Triomphe from afar. Why is this all about Paris?

Note the word 'WORLD'. Ok not only Paris lah. I want to travel the whole of Europe. And the world. I find Europe especially intriguing. The mix of cultures and rich history that makes it so. Another place I keep thinking of is Africa. Hmm, I don't know why. Because of The Lion King? I know. Africa doesn't sound like a fun place to be in. Poverty, rape and all. But I'll go there, someday. To help or whatever.

3. I want to give back to the world.

SOUNDS AMATURE. Epic fail. After SPM, I'd do something useful. I plan to start studying after my results are out. I don't plan to start in January. Meheheh. I want to volunteer for social work or something. Any suggestions? Maybe Adventist Hospital or something? It'll be good in my resume too. Haha. Added bonus. *star star* Plus I want to spread Lupus Awareness. So little people know about Lupus. Why can't they make some grand event like Relay For Life or something? Ohoh! And I'm now a member of Persatuan SLE Malaysia! Yipee! :P

My life's purpose is to help people. I find that fulfilling. But I don't think I can make this the top of my list because I have other dreams too. Hmm, priorities change with time. I guess in time, I'll know what I want.

4. I want to be someone's wife.

This is madness. I mean, this shouldn't even be in here. But heck it is! So I have to counsel myself that I can live single for the rest of my life la? DUNWAN LAR. I keep replaying back in my head what NET told me in that reassuring tone: "Don't worry about SPM la, if you want to worry, worry about who you are going to marry next time." Siao liao. Disney-princessy feeling all over again. Kla, don't marry also not bad lur. Can travel around the world on my own. No commitments. No whiney kids. No tag-alongs. *tries to convince herself otherwise*

Eh wait! I found this here:


I want to marry someone who loves me a lot a lot a lot a lot a lot a lot a lot with packs and blue eyes and blonde hair and tall and and and and Preferably with packs and blue eyes and blonde hair. + is taller than me. He doesn't have to be really rich just okay-rich. Must sweep me off my feet on a white horse. Kla car can liao la.


Ahahaha! (Ksry syok sendiri)
Everyone wants to have a fairytale wedding. Correction, every girl dreams of a fairytale wedding. Oh okay, maybe not. Only dreamy girls dream of a fairytale wedding. And I'm one of them. One of those dumb people who does nothing but sit around and dream. Look at Kate Middleton's wedding! *groans*


5. ...
I have another dream, actually. But I won't type it out here simply because:-

1. I'm too embarrassed to.
2. I think I can't do it.
3. Low self-confidence.
4. Humiliating one.
5. I can laugh at myself if I don't achieve it but no one else can.
6. Self-torture.
7. This is a secret.
8. That no one else can know.
9. Not the public.
10. No.
11. This blog is too public.
12. Haha. I think people close to me know about this one but they aren't well aware that that's the one I'm talking about.
13. I know I'm confusing you.
14. Oh you know. THAT ONE.
15. Well, I really do hope I can achieve it. :)

I'm such a Disney girl!
5. 5 important ones at the mo.


I love shampoo makes my hair denser.


Oh okay, got mood to work hard liao. See, advantages of spending a teeny tiny bit of time to blog. Ciao! :D

Tangled Thoughts.

My handphone wallpaper.

Stolen from Tumblr.

Call me a romance junkie,

but I REALLY LOVE A TANGLED TALE.

Somewhere in between the fairytale-princessy-disney-love kinda hoo-hah,

I fell for the movie.

This is madness.

So not me.

*coughs coughs*

*brushes thought outta my head*

Warrior.

I can cope with this.
I can cope with gaining a few kilos.
I can cope with a round face.
I can cope with my newly found mad appetite.
I can cope with the side effects of the medication.
I can cope with hair loss.
I can cope with stress.
I can cope with not feeling beautiful.
I can cope with people's expectations.
I can cope with my limitations & restrictions.
I can cope with a chronic disease.
I can cope with lupus.
I can cope with anaemia.
I can cope with fatigue.
I can cope with a suppressed immune system.
I can cope academically.
I can cope with trials.
I can cope with SPM.
I can cope my grandaunt having osteoarthritis.

I can do it. I'm stronger than this.

Loves.

Call me crazy, but I love the weather. I love it! It's been raining non-stop for days now. Kla got stop for like five minutes (exaggerating) for me to take this picture yesterday. I love it!

I feel blessed, I really do.

I love to poop.

K, I'm not gonna brag on how good it feels like to poop because everyone knows it...

I haven't written a decent post on what I've been up to lately. Hmm, so I'd use this 15 minutes of my time before I go for tuition to blog! :D

I didn't go to school today. Truancy? Maybe. But hey I feel bloody tired k. It's like there's a limited amount of energy for me to do my daily activities, so I'd have to learn to prioritise things from now on. 'Cause by the end of the day, I'd probably feel so zapped out I can't really concentrate on what I'm doing. #livingwithlupie

So I made another trip to GH today. Eepoh was diagnosed with Osteoarthritis and the can't do anything about it except to give her pain killers and physiotherapy. I wasn't supposed to go to these places, actually. Mom was like "WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN GH?". I felt that if I didn't go, I'd feel guilty cause she was there for me when I was sick. Heheheh, I feel so grown up. I registered for her and got a wheelchair for her. *zilian* Though feeling sick and nauseous after that. :( ZAPPED.

It was a miracle that she got to see the doctor today. I don't want to see her suffer. :(

So my sixth blood test is tomorrow. OH GH AGAIN. Bleh. That Malay dude that took my sample two weeks ago was so damn chor lor. Blue black until now leh. I hope I meet better ones tomorrow. :D

Actually GH not bad lar. I shouldn't complain that much. Everything also free. :D The only thing is hygiene and nursing care nia lor.

Here's a rose from me to you.

Sometimes.

Sometimes,
I feel like there's something heavy on my chest
That cannot be lifted no matter how hard I breathe.
Is it a sign of weakness?

I feel like a psychotic freak sometimes.

Sacrifices.

I think we all have to make some sacrifices at some point in our lives? Big or small, it hurts, sometimes. I'm going to give up on Italy. I'm not going to fill in the application form. I'm going to pour kerosene on it and set fire to it.

I'm not going to grab one of the biggest opportunities that is swinging right in front of me like a pendulum on a string, or rather, a kid playing with bubbles, trying to grab them in his hand. I don't know where these metaphors come from, but yeah, it's from somewhere deep deep down that still hurts.

Shit, I'm not talking sense.

Priorities change with time. I don't know where I'm headed anymore. SPM? Trials? Like shit, yeah, trials. I don't think I can do it. I don't think I can meet everyone's expectations. Stop expecting from me, okay? I don't even know what to aim for, anymore. Credits? To pass all my subjects? What? I don't know!

I plan to quit half my tuition classes. Don't ask me why. And don't tell me that it's going to affect my results because I know it will. I know what I'm doing, at least I think I do. I don't know. I need to change my lifestyle. I can't just go to school, come home, sleep in the afternoon, wake up, eat, go for tuition, pack my bags and sleep again. I barely have enough time to breathe. I'd just have to suffocate. I can't put myself through all these anymore.

Don't ask me about my future. Because I'm currently taking things one step at a time. I live one day at a time. Don't ask me where I plan to go after SPM because I don't even know whether I'm going to have the qualifications to get into a college, or to study A-levels. And I hate to think beyond that because I REALLY DON'T KNOW.

I'm just.. lost.

Fine, I can go and enroll in a photography course and live as a photographer. Or whatever. If. I. Fail.

I've decided that I'm going to take SPM this year, partly because he was reassuring. Maybe, I don't know. Expectations all over again.

It's really useless things to worry about, really. People with terminal stage cancer can score straight A's, why can't I? Damn you Chien Huey you useless bastard. Toughen up, you sickly little brat. Beat the hell outta everything.

I'd do anything to stay away from Prednisolone and Hydroxychloroquine Sulfate. I hate what those drugs are doing to my body. Being vegan included. I think I'm going to slowly switch my diet into a meatless one, and then eventually give up dairy products. If it works, why not give it a try?

I should be thankful. I know I really should.

I pray for strength.

Fears.

Yay! I'm shortlisted! And I'm here to talk about my feelings WTF.

I really, really, really, really, really, really want to go. I want to go to Italy. Everytime I hear the song Le Festin I think of AFS. Even though that song is in French and I'd want to go to France. But I don't know French, so I'd settle for Italy because it's an awesome place too and I'm getting out of the topic here.

But who would pick someone who is on 13 and a half pills a day, is photosensitive and has to watch what she consumes? Ugh.

Why would Italy pick me if I'm so fragile I'll have to be on antibiotics or get hospitalized if I get a normal fever? Why would my host family pick me if I'm so sipek mahuan? What happens if I get a flare over there? Why would they go through all the trouble to do that when they can pick someone healthy, fine, has good academic grades and so on?

The point is, I don't care. I really want to go. Lupus is not going to stop me.

Oh yeah right, perfect timing, lupus. How many days to trials and you start to get serious now?

I don't care! I'm gonna apply anyway. And I won't stop until I get rejected or something. I won't lose hope. If they reject me they'd better have a good explanation or I'd sue for discrimination against SLE patients. Blueh.

KI HIAO.

At Least We Know What She's Gonna Look Like When She's Pregnant.

GO READ THE SPOON THEORY! Go go go! Beautifully written piece to describe how it felt like for me for the past month.

And now, I'm gonna emphasize on the fact that I'm not pregnant. It was just a whole lotta water retention and swelling everywhere, even my face became huge. But cute what, right? I lost 2 kgs overnight after taking Prednisolone. Yes, finally. I hate to think what I'm doing to my liver, but ah well, as long as it keeps me going, why should I complain? Anyway, if I stop now, I might get a flare, again or worse, a comatose (like what the doctor warned)?

Kay, second opinion in GH suggests that I have SLE too. Or diagnose, or whatever. I did four blood tests in a period of one month, seen four to five doctors who all seemed to give the same diagnosis (except the first one who told me I had RA and asked me to patiently wait for a month and do nothing while swallowing painkillers and wait for my immune system to balance off), got hospitalized for four days, missed school for nearly two weeks in total, been in pain until I couldn't get out of bed, sat in a wheelchair for the first time in my life because I couldn't walk and watched Captain America on first day of the premiere. :P Kla, I loved the ending, :D

And now I'm fineeee! [A bit woozy and nauseous at times, but fine]  :D Steroids, they work like MAGIC.

I'm not on drugs k. At least not the bodybuilder type of Steroids. Carefully under the doctor's prescription one lah. Though I have to take it for years to suppress my immune system. (I hate to think what I'm gonna look like two years from now.) Oops! No sharing food from now on. :(

Imma be a NINJA! Wrapped from top to toe in black cloth so I won't melt under the hot UV exposed sun.

Now I'm gonna rant on how beh syok I am with the government. 3 specialists share one room one desk in the consultation room in GH each having their own patients? Siao ar? Like no money like that. Penang is easily the second biggest city in Malaysia. Pfft. Dunno how to take care of their own citizens. How to become developed country if got sick people everywhere? :X

And this is what I do when I get bored --->

Looks nice right? Too bad I can't have fruits because it causes swelling? Along with a whole long list of other potentially harmful foods compiled by the SLE counselor, Ayurvedic doctor and thank God for the internet.

Lala Land.

I met up with this lady who had Rheumatoid Arthritis two years ago. Kinda inspiring leh. SHE FEELS MEHHH. Though she had it bad. Hers was worse. She couldn't get out of bed, couldn't bathe, couldn't urinate by herself. She described her pain with 'like as though someone twisted my hand' kinda thing. Whenever I'm in pain, I'll think of her. She's alright now, even thought me what to do. Like for example, keep a notebook to record what I eat to keep track of what food triggers it. Told me to see Penang's only Rheumatologist who is in GH. Though I think I have to wait for another three weeks unless I go limping into the emergency room? Hmm.

Mom doesn't believe that I have SLE, because my Anti ds DNA is borderline negative (means no tissue damage), even though my ANA count is very high (means my immune system kisiao liao). Aiyah whatever it is, it's classified under the same category, innit? Autoimmune diseases. Just that SLE is.. non-specific and it can attack other organs too if I'm not careful. RA only affects the joints.

Random thought: For those who are interested to pursue medicine, please be a Rheumatologist. Can earn lots of money one since there's only like one in PG.

Kla feel very uncomfortable in this position since my left hand is bloody swollen like ba bao aneh.

CAMWHORE --->

Look how fat I've become? Put on like 6kgs in two weeks. Pro leh! Should be in the Biggest Gainer Asia. -.-