Sacrifices.

I think we all have to make some sacrifices at some point in our lives? Big or small, it hurts, sometimes. I'm going to give up on Italy. I'm not going to fill in the application form. I'm going to pour kerosene on it and set fire to it.

I'm not going to grab one of the biggest opportunities that is swinging right in front of me like a pendulum on a string, or rather, a kid playing with bubbles, trying to grab them in his hand. I don't know where these metaphors come from, but yeah, it's from somewhere deep deep down that still hurts.

Shit, I'm not talking sense.

Priorities change with time. I don't know where I'm headed anymore. SPM? Trials? Like shit, yeah, trials. I don't think I can do it. I don't think I can meet everyone's expectations. Stop expecting from me, okay? I don't even know what to aim for, anymore. Credits? To pass all my subjects? What? I don't know!

I plan to quit half my tuition classes. Don't ask me why. And don't tell me that it's going to affect my results because I know it will. I know what I'm doing, at least I think I do. I don't know. I need to change my lifestyle. I can't just go to school, come home, sleep in the afternoon, wake up, eat, go for tuition, pack my bags and sleep again. I barely have enough time to breathe. I'd just have to suffocate. I can't put myself through all these anymore.

Don't ask me about my future. Because I'm currently taking things one step at a time. I live one day at a time. Don't ask me where I plan to go after SPM because I don't even know whether I'm going to have the qualifications to get into a college, or to study A-levels. And I hate to think beyond that because I REALLY DON'T KNOW.

I'm just.. lost.

Fine, I can go and enroll in a photography course and live as a photographer. Or whatever. If. I. Fail.

I've decided that I'm going to take SPM this year, partly because he was reassuring. Maybe, I don't know. Expectations all over again.

It's really useless things to worry about, really. People with terminal stage cancer can score straight A's, why can't I? Damn you Chien Huey you useless bastard. Toughen up, you sickly little brat. Beat the hell outta everything.

I'd do anything to stay away from Prednisolone and Hydroxychloroquine Sulfate. I hate what those drugs are doing to my body. Being vegan included. I think I'm going to slowly switch my diet into a meatless one, and then eventually give up dairy products. If it works, why not give it a try?

I should be thankful. I know I really should.

I pray for strength.