Rants.

Please don't continue reading.

I know, that sentence above sparks your curiosity and gives you the drive to continue reading on. Please don't.

K. I don't keep a diary. So I'd figured I'll rant it out over here. There's this like shitloads of thoughts running through my mind, I can't keep track of what I'm thinking of. Well, why not? But a diary is private and personal. A blog is.. err.. public and exposed. -.-

Sigh, it suddenly strikes me how unpredictable and uncertain the future can be. He once wrote on the blackboard If you fail to plan, you plan to fail. But what if you plan for something and then you fail to achieve it? Waste your time, planning to the very last speck of dust for the future and then something happens just to see everything you've planned perish in front of your eyes? You know how much that hurts?

I don't know la. *heaves a deep sigh*

I should be studying now. I'll make this really fast.

I feel like pinching myself. I don't know what I want yet. I don't know what I want to get out of life. Life's not meaningless, it's up to each individual to find out what life means to them. I still can't find mine. I'm 17. I'm going to graduate from high school soon. I don't even know if I can pass trials. No, srsly. This is not the usual lack-of-confidence self speaking. Sigh. Well, let it be la.

The other day, when I was in Island Hospital doing a regular follow up, my mom met some friend's aunt or something. This is roughly how the conversation went:-

Her: Hello, you're such a big girl now! How old are you?
Me: 17.
Her: So you're having SPM this year?
Me: Yes. *smiles so I don't come across as being rude*
Her: So tell me what you're going to do next?
Me: Huh? Err, A-levels or something?
Her: Yes yes, after that?
Me: Err, I don't know yet?
Her: HOW CAN YOU NOT KNOW WHAT YOU WANT TO DO NEXT? I'M GOING TO TELL YOUR MOM! Ask your mom to guide you! You must know what you want! You're 17 and you don't know yet?
Me: *smiles*

Then she turned over to mommy to complain about my lack of plans for the future. Bluehh.

I felt.. Shitty inside and out.

You don't think it's frustrating not knowing what I want yet?

Sigh, I swear, after trials, happy time is over. I really have to catch up with the lessons I've missed. See! My brain is starting to rust. Ugh.

The more frustrating thing is, when I see everyone around me study and they're so far off, I feel.. *chokes herself to death*