A new begining

Hello!

Haha. Yes I'm back again! So what's it about this time?

I figured I wanted to write a post about SLE. Maybe few other subsequent posts about my experiences. If it bores you, #ohwellwhattodo I'm very boring wan actually. Hehe. Ok la don't want to pour cold water on myself here. (Which I already did just now for ALS)

I scrolled back to see what the previous posts were about. It has been so long that I don't even remember what I blogged about. I know I have been venting anger onto some (if not all) of the past posts, maybe one day I will come to a point to let go of all those things I have said. But for now, it will still remain.

So what about SLE? I guess I'm slowly coming to terms with it. Even though sometimes I still feel that I'm hanging by a thin line, one move and it will snap, falling a few floors down again, leaving me hopeless as a struggle to pick myself up. But anyway... Where was I? Oh yes, I shall now admit that I skip lectures. When I find it depressingly difficult to sleep at night (as in lying on my bed for three hours WITHOUT my hp and I still can't fall asleep) or when I get too tired and my concentration tank is close to empty or when I get lectures about AUTOIMMUNITY.

That word freaks me out.

I am very sampat one ok, if I see lectures titled like that I'll be surprisingly diligent and scroll through Australian slides first to see if there's anything about the three-letter acronym that should not be mentioned unless I feel comfortable talking about it. And I do not feel comfortable sitting through lectures about SLE and sometimes RA too. I don't mind educating people and talking to people about it, but sometimes, I don't know how I want others to react and I don't know how I should put it and I certainly don't like people giving their opinions about things I don't like to hear.

I know I sound very controlling here but that is how I feel. I remember going through a lecture when I was in first year, one of the lecturers conveniently added "Oh I once had a friend who had SLE, and he died of this debilitating disease" and that was it. Since then, I cannot sit through another lecture to learn about my own disease. Two days ago, I had another lecture about autoimmunity. This time, when I was running out of the lecture hall I heard her say "it can involve other organs, it can also involve the brain". I had no regrets skipping it.

I don't blame them actually. What are the odds of people being in that lecture theater who has that disease? And they were just doing their job. The problem lies in ME.

I mentioned that I was slowly coming to terms with it. Meaning, I'm not afraid to tell people what I have. I don't care if people know if I have it. What I care about is people viewing me differently from before. I'm not strong, I never have been. If you scroll down to read further but I don't suggest you do. But I want to be able to stand out one day, to give inspiration to other people suffering similar problems and when they read this they'll think "Hey, this girl did it, why can't I?".

Till then, tata! xoxo