Late night thoughts pt 2.

Dear abandoned blog, 

 

Tomorrow will be the start of the fourth week of third year, second semester of university. 

Things are going very fast. Too fast. I'm being thrown into clinical school without being the least bit ready for it. I know, I know. Life's like that. We've got to learn to adapt. With my defected body, I think mentally defected also, I'm not able to cope with how fast things are going. 

Just came back from Cambodia! It's been voted somewhere, I think trip advisor as the top location in Asia. I think. Yeah. Beautiful surreal sights rich with history. Temples and kingdoms dating back to the 10th century still standing strong. I wonder what's it like to live in a time like that? Do the people face as much stress as we do now?

I miss home. I miss home so much I want to quit. Sounds silly. No, I won't do it. But I miss home so much it aches. I miss my mommy. I miss being treated like a princess at home. A spoilt princess. I don't care. Mom said she's made home to comfortable for me to leave. What happens if I get married next time? I told her I'd run home every three days.

I'm blogging to keep my priorities straight. To help me reorganize my thoughts. Because I feel so reluctant to go back to JB and start clerking cases for bedside. (HAHA LAZY BUM) I need to remind myself why I chose this path. I want to master the art of healing, to alleviate pain and suffering in this world. Sounds so silly I struggle to answer the question "why do you want to be a doctor" when it's posed. But that is my pure intention of why I'm putting myself through this pressure. 

Also, I'd want to be able to show to oppressed people that no one and nothing can stop you from doing what you want. No one. When I was sick, some people (not with bad intentions) made me feel that I had to lead my life a certain way and I had to give up my dreams. I want to inspire other people. By doing a 5k run in less than 35 mins, I want to show to myself that I'm able to do what I want to do, not being held back by circumstances. By studying medicine, I want to achieve my dream.

Sometimes I feel so reluctant to open up this blog, because I've posted a lot of stuff up here, some of them so negative. I've contemplated on removing them but I think that is what makes this blog so scared to me. It's what makes me who I am today. It's a tiny bit of my from my past, even though it only shows me at a certain mood or point of my life.

Welp, it's almost one. Time to hit the sack. Till we meet again.

Signing off.

Late night thoughts.

Something happened today that got me wondering why some people are so judgmental. I know we all judge people in our heads, but passing some ignorant comment about someone we barely know, or worse, view from afar is just crazy. 

Sometimes I feel so pressured to conform, to maybe give a little acknowledgement to what someone just said, but deep down I know it's plain wrong to do that. 

Heck why do I even feel so bad that I have the urge to write it all down?

Maybe because in the shoes of the gossip-ee, I sure do know how it feels like being the centre of "attention". 

Someday, I will wake up with a clear conscience, knowing that some friendships are nothing more than just what it is and that these petty relationships aren't the least bit important in life.

Signing off angry.

Motivation

I have had my down points, and sometimes when I PMS so bad I literally sit in my room floor after class, feeling so down, contemplating what is the meaning of life.

But I don't want to write this post about how miserable I felt back then, I still do feel down at times but I guess that's normal. Mom used to tell me it's cyclical. Being human, you feel happy, sad, angry, and a long list of other emotions but I guess you don't have to dwell on it or punch yourself to make yourself feel guilty just because you think you shouldn't be feeling negative emotions. If you think about it, it's negativity on negativity and this does not work like maths. It's like adding oil onto the burning fire.

So finally today, I guess my hormones are well regulated enough to make me feel like I'm able to write this post and rant about motivations to continue on.

I received an Fb message from a college friend (who was diagnosed with SLE years before me, God knows what she's been through) which said "I am proud of you as you can handle MBBS course". That really meant a lot to me. The conversation actually started with her asking about my health, and I told her I feel short of breath occasionally. I still can't find the reason of why I feel that way and I secretly dread going to the doctor's because of this because I'm terrified that she will find something wrong with me and that she might increase my dosage for Prednisolone. I'm still able to cope with it despite a tiny bit of exercise intolerance?

Though sometimes I look around my peers and feel so intimidated that they are able to run 30 minutes straight on the treadmill. Hehe.

Ugh I'm off topic.

I'm not going to sound cliche but the diagnosis really changed my life. It lead me to a new direction. I never dreamt to be a doctor before I was 17. I never did. In fact if you asked me what I wanted to be when I was young:

At 6: An artist. I loved art and I still do. :)
At 9: Pianist? But I slowly hated piano because I wasn't in a good environment to stimulate my learning.
At 13: A zoologist? I admireeee people who are on this field hehe. I have a cousin who did environmental science and I wanted to be just like him! I lovedddd Steve Irwin! But I just didn't want to work in a zoo piling up elephant dung for the rest of my life.
At 15: A psychologist? I'll go crazy listening to other people's problems all day long I think I'll get depressed myself too.
At 17: A vet? Cannot la. I cannot stay in a house where dogs bark and whine all night long. I'm a light sleeper, you know.
At 18: Biomedical scientist to invent a cure for lupus. Haha. But I didn't fancy the idea of spending my whole life in the lab, I want the human touch too, you know.

I was diagnosed at 17 in the month of August. The process was actually relatively short. Anemia when I was 15, nearly fainted during karate sessions; alopecia areata when I was 16, thankfully it healed completely; experienced tingling in my fingers during June when I was 17, slowly progressed to joint pains, went to see a doctor, told me not to worry and gave me paracetemol, asked me to wait for it to go away, got progressively worse, had fever that wouldn't subside, got hospitalised, had been on Plaquenil and Prednisolone ever since.

After diagnosis, I wanted to take things slow. I wanted to stay home with my family. I had to let go of the dream of being a foreign exchange student and going overseas for tertiary education. Instead, I don't know why, God's will I guess, I chose SAM in Disted and it paved a road for me into Monash Malaysia for MBBS.

At times when I am down, I still wonder what is my purpose here. I'm certainly not a perfect student. I cannot be compared to my diligent coursemates. I guess when you start to psycho yourself that something can be done, you start believing in it. Never in my life have I imagined myself to end up here. And I did. Isn't that a miracle itself? To be able to be healthy enough to proceed into the fourth semester, I guess it is all that I can ask for.

xoxo

A new begining

Hello!

Haha. Yes I'm back again! So what's it about this time?

I figured I wanted to write a post about SLE. Maybe few other subsequent posts about my experiences. If it bores you, #ohwellwhattodo I'm very boring wan actually. Hehe. Ok la don't want to pour cold water on myself here. (Which I already did just now for ALS)

I scrolled back to see what the previous posts were about. It has been so long that I don't even remember what I blogged about. I know I have been venting anger onto some (if not all) of the past posts, maybe one day I will come to a point to let go of all those things I have said. But for now, it will still remain.

So what about SLE? I guess I'm slowly coming to terms with it. Even though sometimes I still feel that I'm hanging by a thin line, one move and it will snap, falling a few floors down again, leaving me hopeless as a struggle to pick myself up. But anyway... Where was I? Oh yes, I shall now admit that I skip lectures. When I find it depressingly difficult to sleep at night (as in lying on my bed for three hours WITHOUT my hp and I still can't fall asleep) or when I get too tired and my concentration tank is close to empty or when I get lectures about AUTOIMMUNITY.

That word freaks me out.

I am very sampat one ok, if I see lectures titled like that I'll be surprisingly diligent and scroll through Australian slides first to see if there's anything about the three-letter acronym that should not be mentioned unless I feel comfortable talking about it. And I do not feel comfortable sitting through lectures about SLE and sometimes RA too. I don't mind educating people and talking to people about it, but sometimes, I don't know how I want others to react and I don't know how I should put it and I certainly don't like people giving their opinions about things I don't like to hear.

I know I sound very controlling here but that is how I feel. I remember going through a lecture when I was in first year, one of the lecturers conveniently added "Oh I once had a friend who had SLE, and he died of this debilitating disease" and that was it. Since then, I cannot sit through another lecture to learn about my own disease. Two days ago, I had another lecture about autoimmunity. This time, when I was running out of the lecture hall I heard her say "it can involve other organs, it can also involve the brain". I had no regrets skipping it.

I don't blame them actually. What are the odds of people being in that lecture theater who has that disease? And they were just doing their job. The problem lies in ME.

I mentioned that I was slowly coming to terms with it. Meaning, I'm not afraid to tell people what I have. I don't care if people know if I have it. What I care about is people viewing me differently from before. I'm not strong, I never have been. If you scroll down to read further but I don't suggest you do. But I want to be able to stand out one day, to give inspiration to other people suffering similar problems and when they read this they'll think "Hey, this girl did it, why can't I?".

Till then, tata! xoxo

From Nepal.

I'm in Nepal! I guess I was just dying to get all my things into writing here. It's just fun to be in a group that is so diverse yet we are able to sit down and talk about intellectually stimulating topics. Haha. Sounds deep right?

I'm really proud to say that I am able to strike off two things in my bucket list in 2013! One being this amazing trip, the other, waterfall abseiling. I'm just going to pen everything that I feel, hoping that it's not too messy because I feel like I'm exploding with all this emotions inside me.

Okay, first thing is first, the health camp! Building structures from pieces of wood and metal sticks to loosen the soil. We didn't even have shovels and spades to begin with! Used our hands to dig out the dirt. Teehee. Met this amazing Nepalese who had experience working in Malaysia. I swear, if people approached me that in Malaysia, I would have just had my guard up and be the most unfriendliest ass ever, but they were so genuine and friendly here!

Where else would you find a guy with a stable job and family, thinking of other people, having to help other unfortumate villagers and who would be willing to go through all the trouble organizing volunteers to come over and help the poor and unfortunate? Keshab of course! He is amazing!

Though quite taken aback by how often people swear here haha. Not that I dont swear.

The villagers here are so welcoming and accomodating! They have so little, but so much to give. Felt loved when I recieved hair clips and bangles from the girls here.

Speaking of that, we had one very weird experience with a sexually charged man-child though. Ugh.

Oh well, guess this is it for tonight. Toodles :)

So bad at blogging now that I've stopped for so long. Hmm.

I have too much on my mind.

I have become a person I have never dreamt of becoming on a journey I once thought was my dream. I've become such a frustrated, angry and anxious person. What happened to me? Somehow I've lost it.

Mom asked me to be honest with myself. Do I see myself doing that in the future?
I don't know. I don't see myself sacrificing so much for the sake of other people. I don't see myself running about in the hospital 30 hrs straight without sleep and proper meals. Also, I don't see myself with a stable job next time. There's too many universities in Malaysia producing overload of doctors yearly. Haha. How could I possibly be the lucky few who will get a job? I'm never lucky.

Do I like it there?
Again, no. Honestly, I hate it in Subang. It's like I'm in prison. Confined in the four concrete walls of my room. Wasting time, doing nothing that makes me happy and productive. And friends? What friends?
Oh hoho. And not to mention the tremendous amount of stress. I rmb someone once told me "You cannot really handle stress one hor?" Yala I can't handle stress, so what? I've heard of people sleeping one hour every night to study, and how hardworking you are in med school is defined by how many cups of coffee one drinks a day. Zzz. I'm not going to give up my health just to be a doctor and fall terribly ill. Sorry. I'm not a good hearted person.

Mom told me, don't do it for pride, if I want to quit med school, just quit. Don't care what other people thinks of me, so what if people say that I'm a drop out. And don't do it for money too, she says she'd rather waste that amount of money and see me do what I'd love to do. And that the money is not wasted, I've experienced one year of med school.

I have a good mom.

I had this weird thought yesterday that I wouldn't want to practice as a medical practitioner next time. And that I would pursue something that I really want after I graduate if I do graduate.

I hate how the environment that makes me feel like shit. It makes me feel useless and worthless. Haha. Maybe it's just me. Maybe it's my mind playing tricks on me. I constantly try to view myself in a way how people might view me. Oh and it's not pleasant at all. Oh maybe we got off on a wrong start. Wtf. But I'll never easily trust the people around me.

The only thing that's keeping me going when I'm there is J. And mom, of course. Other than that, it's me against the world.

But but but...

I like what I'm studying. I just don't like the stress that comes along with it. I want to push on. I don't want to give up just yet. There's this tiny amount of hope that we could still rekindle the fire that once burnt viciously.

I say I don't see myself as a medical professional, but I really want to experience being a caregiver in the palliative care unit.

All I know is, I am not doing it for the wrong reasons. I am not doing it for money. I do not see myself doing anything else but this.

Wb

Oh hi. So I decided to write a post. After more than one year of inactivity. Yes. I'm that bored. 

So yeah. Let's see what I can write about the past year.

I've gotten into the course I want. I guess it's sort of like a dream come true for me. I have never, in my wildest dreams ever thought that I could make it. Truth be told, everything seems a bit unreal to me. But back to reality, I don't really like it there. Maybe it's just the beginning, maybe it's just homesickness. Maybe..

I've never experienced so much drama dealing with people in the past 18 years.

I've just begin to realize how different people can be as we grow. Too "opinionated" I guess. With judgments, beliefs and barriers added on as we grow like building blocks of bricks, it makes us all so different in our own unique ways.

I'm contradicting myself in so many ways. Maybe being alone is not a fun as it seems. 

Okay, I started blogging again because I just wanted to get it all out. To vent, maybe.

I'm being so hard on everybody, surely people will think what a bossy bitch i am. I feel shocked at myself sometimes. I just can't control my emotions anymore. I'm at the brink of breaking down. Funny thing is, i've been doing it an awful lot lately, crying and getting nothing out of it. And something happens again, or maybe in my head and i feel like crying all over again, like i've never done enough. Bam, my image is tarnished. I care, deep down i really do. Other people might think, "oh what happened to her? being crazy again, is she?" What to do, all i have to do is fake it and think like i just don't care anymore. See, all of these are only really happening in my head. Sometimes i think i'm going crazy too, having those pointless monologues in my mind. I get mad so often i lash out at anyone trying to provoke me, at least i think they are. I lash out at anyone trying to test me, trying to push me to my limits. Now i really feel like crying all over again. Like, everyone's so busy now? Am i the only one so free? The truth is, i'm mad. I'm mad at the world. I'm mad at everyone. I'm trying to hide it, but everytime i let the anger or hatred take over me i feel that way all over again. I'm mad at myself. I'm mad at everyone who doesn't really stop to think what i'm going through. I'm mad at those people who, in an indirect way, made me what i am now. I can't forgive. I'm not able to. I've been thinking to myself what's the cause of all this shit that is happening to me. Maybe it's the steroids? Or maybe it's the negativity that i'm exposed to? The early chapters of Eat, Pray and Love (even though i've stopped reading it)? Or maybe it's just me and i'm desperately finding something to put the blame on? I keep thinking to myself, why can other people be so happy why can't i? Why am i always sulking? Why am i getting more and more negative by the day? Like fuck. Why do i have to go through all these bullshit alone? Why? Why did God put me through this? Why again? Is it taboo to even question that? I'm not losing faith in God, but at least give me a reason. Stop telling me that other people are going through a lot more than me. You don't know me. Telling me that will NOT make me feel better but worse instead. Makes me feel fucking worthless. In the past week, i've learnt that "dream high and you'll get disappointed soon enough". Useless dreaming, really. You plan such a fucking nice life/future for yourself and then you'll wake up feeling sick to the stomach that you won't be able to achieve that. We're just human. It's just a matter of whether fate supports you or not. Sometimes, he'll just tell you "no, chien huey, you won't be able to go to uk or anywhere far to study because you're sick and you'll have to be close to your parents. i'll tell the doctor to say no too, just in case. i'll make you sick yet again and give you another shock just to make sure you won't go, no matter how much you want to, no matter how much research and preparation you've done, I WONT FUCKING LET YOU GO." :) life's so fair isn't it? oh and about why i'm not working and why i'm spending my time being mad at people, that's just because i'm not allowed to. i'm supposed to rest, but the boredom is fucking having a negative blow on me. like i'm just fucking wasting time sitting at home thinking of things and getting depressed, again and again. people ask me, "why don't u find a job? why are you so protected?" oh fuck, like i have a choice. i even had to wear a mask on the airplane on the way to bali for goodness' sake AND I FELL SICK TOOOO LOL. the world is so fucking fucked up it's so unfair living on it.

Blood test shows signs of relapse. I am about to see my dreams perish in front of my eyes. It can't be such a coincidence. Fate is toying with me.

LJGKJGVHJVHJVGHCVHGDGFD

Halooo0ooo0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o.

Looks like chu hua there. :X

Anyway, shall do a rebranding hehe! Young Hearts can do a rebranding why not I do a blog rebranding? :D

Rebranding is the process of giving a product or an organization a new image, in order to make it more attractive or successful.  

Not to be successful or anything, just trying to me.. ME :D

Yay it's the last day of February! That means tomorrow is March. That means results is coming out soon. That means I can start applying to institutions soon. That means now is the time to dream big :D :D :D

I'm sort of exploring the options now that I'm so free. Just going around education advisors one shop after another to ask for more info. I'm doing it all alone + researching some more info on the internet then tell everything to mummy & papa to persuade them. I might say, I'm this close to winning my case muahahahaha. Only err the money factor and err dunno if he will allow or not, since he is for studying locally. Study Malaysia lah! Why waste your parent's money? :/


Baby is getting fatter and fatter. He bites shoes. His nails are so long. He digs up the soil. He barks at stray dogs but not people. Oh boy.

Had a nice dinner last Saturday with loveliessss! Hehehe! Ok-ok lah. Auntie Karen is awsm. She cooked dishes that aren't in the menu specially for me! Hees! Went for a drive after that then some of them came to my house to see baby but baby was so afraid of them he hid under the chair. Realize that baby is only afraid of guys but is friendly to girls. Oh boy.

Sims & Neopets is so addictive. I wanna quit liao la. Read book btr. -.-

I really can't wait for results to be announced. I don't mean I did good, but oh well. Good or bad, who knows? I just can't wait to apply and be accepted by some XX place I dream about. Like stepping into another phase of life you know? Applying to college. Hehe!

Flying to Bali with mummy tomorrow! Hope to relax and do nothing there. Come to think of it I've been doing that for the past two months, relax and do nothing. Hehe!

Went to BC on Monday to talk to an education counsellor but it was closed. Then I went on Tuesday and that girl told me they've stopped education consultancy 1/2 years back. Just my luck. -.-

Mom says find these info as a contingency. I say find this info and wish at the stars. :P

@#$%&

I feel like I've fallen into a well. Deeper and deeper I go. It's dark and cold. Ice cold. Isolated. Not a sound, not a soul. The further I go, the more alone time I have. Getting stuck in those irritating thoughts of mine is a pain. I can't step out of this. I don't want to step out of this. 

I hate playing mind games. 

Why can't you let loose a little? I didn't mean it. I really, honestly didn't. But the fact is, I'm the one not letting lose. It's hard to breathe; it's suffocating me. 

Why are you jutting your head through the door? I don't want you in any of my business, I am sorry. I can't bring myself to tell you this. Treat ME with respect, and I will do the same to you.
I haven't been really honest with myself. Is this what I really want? 

In everything you do, there'll always be obstacles. Really? Oh how fun. 

Why don't you paint your opinions on the wall and wait for someone to care, because there're too many of them for me to give a damn. 

It's MINE. Back off or I'll bite. 

I'm so used to it, whatever you're doing to me. So, go on, lead your life and I'll lead mine. I wish you the best of luck. 

Why don't you stick some plaster on your mouth so that you'll stop talking? Talk with sense, please. 

Sometimes, I appreciate you, a lot. But sometimes, @#$%&. 

You're a changed person now, congratulations. Where's that genuine Louie Vuitton bag that you wanted? 

Keep off my territory. 

I wish I could withdraw myself from the society. But my values are watching my every move. How ironic. 

I wish it could end. I get no excitement out of it. 

The end of the well I'm reaching, in the pitch darkness, just disappear in a loud thud will you?

This is me. Hissing my heart out. A harmless wreck I am.

#

Nurse reveals the top 5 regrets people make on their deathbed.

3. I wish I’d had the courage to express my feelings.   

Many people suppressed their feelings in order to keep peace with others. As a result, they settled for a mediocre existence and never became who they were truly capable of becoming. Many developed illnesses relating to the bitterness and resentment they carried as a result.

We cannot control the reactions of others. However, although people may initially react when you change the way you are by speaking honestly, in the end it raises the relationship to a whole new and healthier level. Either that or it releases the unhealthy relationship from your life. Either way, you win.

Hmm. If I really could express what I feel about everyone. But I don't have the courage to do that.

It's a happy day!

Hehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehe I'm a happy person!

Kk so what happened lately was, on Sunday, I went to do dana in the morning then drove up to Balik Pulau to have lunch! The lunch was FANTASTIC! Uncle Eric who went to Switzerland to study cookery cooked awsm veggietarian lunch for us and called veggiesauruses. Fine dining leh! Starter and main course! Starter was salad with vinnaigrette (balsamic vinegar + apple cider + white wine + red wine) and markisa! Main was portobello  mushroom stuffed with mash potatoes & spinach with breadcrumbs drizzled with his secret sauce! Sipek ho chiak I tell you.

Then Gabriel came around 4. A VERY VERY SHY DOG. I thought he couldn't bark until he started whining and barking at night because he wasn't used to his new home yet. Bathed him today. He's really kinda playful if you get to know him. He bites! Muah! I think he's teeth is still growing that's why he likes to chew on smth. : / SOOO LOVABLE. <3

失去了才懂得珍惜。

Hmm, took eepoh to see Dr. Gopi in the morning today and bought milk for Gabriel, but he didn't like it :(( Went to Auntie Karen's for lunch as usual. <3 my spinach noodles! Yum. And then someone came to my house and brought me presents! A piece of Secret recipe cake, some dogfood (hopefully not for me) and a plushie! Tq Ye Sheng! Hehe! Went out for dinner in Ferringhi Garden after that! Lim Guan Eng was there! <3 <3 <3 But my eyesight so damn poor it srsly failed me :( Together with Lim Kit Siang and idk who else. Food was o-k ish but a group of musicians serenaded me a song! Hehe! <3 OH YEAH forgot my Haagen Dazs cake as a surprise frm my <3 mummy.

I really didn't want to make my bday a big deal this year but heheehehehhehehehehehe i'm so high! Just thought we'd have family dinner will do but see see see lol. Couldn't b more of a better b'day. I feel so loved. :)

Can I Has Baby Elephant?