I hate Thursdays.

There was a brick on the dirty green rubbish bin stamped MPPP. It was grey in colour, broken into two. God knows where the other half went. Half was on top of the rubbish bin. A rubbish collector opened the lid. It fell on the floor with a loud thud. He ignored it, took out the black plastic bag of unwanted rubbish, let the lid fall back down and moved on to the next house.

"What an idiot," he said when he saw that happen.

No, I disagree. He isn't an idiot. Nobody is. Nobody ever is. There are thoughts running through my mind. This world is unfair. Who could possibly love a job like that, yet to be able to let people criticize on what they do? No, he isn't an idiot. The person saying that sentence is one.

This was how I was raised. Things will always be this way.

****************************

I'm free?

The tension that hung in the class atmosphere two weeks ago weren't really lifted after the last paper. I didn't feel free or overjoyed after handing in that useless piece of essay. Sigh. Maybe.. It'll just stick to me until after SPM is really over. By then, it'll turn me into an emotionless zombie, like what happened to me during PMR. Not forgetting all that frustration I felt after doing absolutely nothing productive for two months. Urgh. I swear I won't let that happen to me this time.

Must-PIA.

Results were bad. Really bad. I mean, SIGH bad. But who am I to complain? I didn't study. I should be taking the blame. Just don't ask me why I didn't. I'll fall into the "Wai no one understand me in this FML world" mood. I get depressed easily. Shit. But I recover quite fast pun. ^.^

Now time to PIA.

*************************

I'm actually counting my blessings lately. You know you know? I'm so happy. I can now kneel down and pray and get up and feel completely normal after kneeling down to pray. ^.^ See, I'm so happy I don't even know what I'm typing. I CAN NOW KNEEL DOWN TO PRAY.

Mom thanked God for that. I thank Him too. I guess He's been there with me since July. I'm so thankful after two and a half months of not being able to do that.

My blood test last week shows a weak positive for anti-nuclear antibody, low percentage of haematocrit, high percentage of neutrophils, and low percentage of eosinophils. Kla, not exactly normal but it's a great improvement from the one I took the month before. ^.^

Haemoglobin reached an all time high pun! I've never been that high on iron since last year. Wheee~~

The only problem I had with my steroids is weight gain and a gassy stomach. Nothing big. I'm so thankful I can tolerate the drug quite well although admittedly, I hate having to swallow it sometimes especially after looking into the mirror. I'm ballooning up like nobody's business. A 180 pound face on a 130 pound body. Which makes me so determined to exercise every single day but to no avail, no positive results. :'(

I've heard of people needing chemo, I'm thankful for not having to go through that. They're using Ritumixab which is used to treat lymphoma and leukaemia too. I've heard of people not being able to tolerate steroids which makes them very agitated and crazy LOL. I hope I'm not that mahuan to be around, but come to think of it, I piss people off quite often lately. LOL.

Believe me, I've talked to many people who has SLE. I had lunch with one yesterday too. She's been off medication for 8 or 9 years now. Inspiring and motivating ma. Better than talking to the SLE counsellor that my mom hated. LOL. The conversation went on like that:

Mom: Have there been any cases where the patients got off medication completely?

Counsellor: No.

Mom: *sulks* Stupid counsellor. How to be counsellor like that.

Of course mom didn't say that out loud. But she was a completely hopeless counsellor.

So yeah. ^.^

Then I also heard that people cannot tolerate Hydroxychloroquine Sulfate which is an antimalarial drug. Puked her head off when she's on it. So thankful I can take it.

I'm so thankful that everything was detected early, not having to wait years and years to come out with a diagnosis. By then my other organs would be in danger.

So thankful for the author of this book A Lupus Recovery Diet which helped me. And the self-healing centre called Cosmique Therapy which I've been going to three times a week to recharge. LOL.

I don't know what helped me. My pescatarian diet, Cosmique Therapy, medication or was it spiritual faith? Anyhow, it's a combination of all those things that made me who I am today. One month after the incident of lying in the hospital bed and not being able to walk.

Then the other day I was in Sports Club library I came across this health book that says for lupus patients, LIFE EXPECTANCY WILL BE SHORTER. LOL WTF IMMA PROVE YOU WRONG BROTHAHHH.

One more thing:

^.^ Monday ^.^ when ^.^ I ^.^ see ^.^ the ^.^ doctor ^.^ I ^.^ hope ^.^ to ^.^ get ^.^ my ^.^ dosage ^.^ lowered ^.^ I'm ^.^ ballooning ^.^ up ^.^

Graduation and Depression.

Testing testing. Oh wait if that pichaa doesn't appear then there must be sumting wong. Ah well.

If it appears, yeah, I found that in my letterbox today! It's from Christiaan who is now in Korea, that 2m tall blonde-ish brunette African I met in my trip to the UK. Kinda friendly guy though I lazy reply comments on Facebook already. Plus somemore Facebook got that new stalkbar thingy where you can see all the comments your friends post. No privacy at all. No likey.

So here's to say sorry for not replying anyone of you on Facebook or Twitter. Or your SMSes. I care, I really do. Please forgive me. T.T

I typed this entry on my phone again! I likey this app, really. Lazy on computer although I got sudden inspiration to blog.

*****************

So I've been on the phone with Jian and she started telling me about graduation and depression.

Eh got link one okay! Let the depression spell strike!

Recently received a SMS from a good guy-friend telling me he cried to sleep thinking of the old times. Really, I don't even wanna go there. I mean yeah, I can start thinking but then I'll end up as emotional as them because we no chance to relive those memories again. T.T

I hold the past, I never let it go. But I'd rather spend my time reading 20,000 Leagues Under the Sea than cry. Because I'm.. Really.. That.. Vulnerable..

I'll surely remember the times we played with water.

The way we sprayed water at someone using our water bottles.

Or maybe getting spitted in the face because we tipped someone's bottle while they were drinking.

I'll remember being EMO for practically nothing at all, ahh the hormones.

I'll remember the first feeling of having a crush. Ah, kay, this is so damn normal in high school kay, stop pretending you don't. :P

I'll remember the walks to US Pizza and McDonalds.

It's not the food that makes it fun, it's the company that makes it enjoyable. Can do that again next time meh? T.T

I'll remember guitars and Yugioh. Age: 14-17 yrs ++. 2-4 players. (k I dunno how many I made that up!)

I'll remember Sejarah period because whenever I force myself to pay attention, my mind will drift away into never never land.

I'll remember the long talks we have. The 5 of us.

I'll remember the laughter we've shared. Like what you guys did to me today. I've never laughed so much in a long time.

I'll remember Pizza Hut and the 5 of us. THAT PICTURE. Ahh..

I'll remember the time Yen poked a pencil up Puu's nose.

I'll remember the GLUE JOKE forever and ever.

I'll remember quarrelling with Jian. :P

I'll remember sharing and eating food in class.

I'll remember just the simple act if being greeted on the stairs in the mornings.

K this is getting lamer and lamer but those tiny little things really mean a lot to me, now that I think that it'll never be the same again next year.

I'm kinda excited what God has in store for me next year but at the same time, it's hard to let go. It's another step into another phase of life. We're never going back again.

A useless post of useless thoughts again. Ah, the wonders of a human brain.

Verbal diarrhoea.

Looks fun doesn't it. I wish I was that man on the motorbike. Then I'd ride it over and over and over again. Chasing pigeons woohoo!

***************************************

I'm gonna bitch everything out right here right now. Sorry for being a bitch.

It's just this clump of thoughts stuck at the back of my head. I'm unable to let it all out. I'm bad at expressing myself. I'm never good at it. Show too much and people think that you're an emotional freak. Keep it to yourself and sooner or later it'll eat you up inside out.

I'm not trying to say I'm not an emotional freak. God knows I'm fucking emotional and I cry a lot, I just don't care to explain what I'm feeling anymore. K, still, sorry for being a bitch today.

So let's discuss the advantages and disadvantages of having good conscience today.

I'm gonna use a lot of swear words in this post because it fits perfectly into the sentences and I enhances the meaning of every sentence. If it offends you, feel free to press the 'X' button at the right hand corner of your computer screen. I'm not here to impress.

These are my rotten, fucked up thoughts. I swear, by the end of this post you'll probably think that I need a psychotherapist.

So yeah, back to conscience. There are MANY disadvantages of having a good conscience. Because in this world, let's be realistic. You have to bitch your way to get up there.

The point is: I fucking hate cheaters and copy cats.

People with good conscience tend to stay at the bottom of the pyramid because they're too nice.

You know what good conscience is? Not being able to lie, not being able to do things that'll spark the feeling of guilt that'll eat you from the inside, not being able to do things which is just wrong. You do things the usual, long, straightforward way because you're stupid.

So that sums it up. You're being naive.

And then you expect to get something good in return for being stupid but you don't and then you look up to the sky and ask 'WHY ME?'

Actually been asking this question quite a lot lately. But OHWELL.

So let's talk about lies.

First biggest lie ever: The word FOREVER.

You sicko.

LOL Actually this is similar to what I wrote in the essay titled "Promise".

I hate copycats and cheaters. Yes I'm repeating to reinstate the fact that I hate them. No sense of originality and lie to get up there. Pfft.

And I'm also going to talk about forgiveness today. So they say forgiveness is the sweetest revenge. Or whatever. I'm not there to take revenge and stab you in the face. I just need to free myself off the anger and hurt. K I have issues letting go. -.-"

People will just disappoint you again and again. To avoid that, stop being attached to anyone except your mother.

Sooner or later these feelings sort of pile up and explodes if it's not delicately handled. I NEED TO PHOTOGRAPH. URGH.

Fuck because I can't go out in the sun. Fuck fuck fuck.

Ksry. People are going to judge me by this post. I know it. Write anyway. Sorry if I offended you. Why do I even care about other's opinions?

Again, sorry for being a bitch today, I flunked Bio.

Silent Night.

Actually its not that silent la. It's raining cats and dogs outside and I'm here lying on my bed typing this post on my <3 <3 phone! :D

Wanna see screenshot? It'll probably appear at the bottom of this post. Thanks to that Blogger app thingy, I get to post pictures now! :D

So I'm having Sejarah exam tomorrow! Whee~~ I haven't finished studying (well, duh). I admit, since last year, I've gotten a heckload lazier than form 1. Ahh, *shakes head*. Kennot be liddat for SPM or else will die. Must knock some sense into my head.

So Sejarah die liao lo!

WTF what kinda language am I using in this post. Ah well, must be the high doses of adrenaline secretion that's making me go cuckoo at this late of night.

Holy night.

Come be holy for one night and pray that I don't fail Sejarah.

Although I should live up to that challenge of failing all subjects for trials. You know you know who challenged me? Mummy! :D

CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!

Say syok nia la.

WTF.

I'm struggling to pass everything. Let's use this sentence to calm myself down. "Trials nia ma."

Sigh, I don't feel the least bit tired.

Clock's ticking tick tock tick tock.

12.41 AM.

This only happens when I'm having exams. Without exams, I'll be mad that I'm not asleep by this time. Unless im having fun. Oh my brain is failing me.

This awesome app. I likey. *thumbs up*

Teeny Weenie.

So yeah, I'm sitting on my bed typing about my feelings again.

I'm losing hair to lupus.

Or whatever it is. Medication or illness. Feeling like shit again. If it gets worse I swear I don't have the energy to go through all the shit I've been through last year.

It's frustrating, seeing hair fall in strands knowing that it takes so long to grow. I'll shave it all off if it worsens because it is going to cause me unwanted stress.

Probably plan to go bald to raise funds for charity rather than sit here and cry about losing hair.

Conventional beauty standards be fucked.

I'm stronger than this.

I haz got sharp teeth. I hate you.

Just raising some awareness. :P

And oh, my blood cell count is back to normal I think? Since they decreased Prednisone down to 5 tabs. :D Everything seems okay. ESR is still a bit on the high side though. RBC went up to 11.0 too! Iron is working well together with my diet. :D Still on 13 1/2 pills a day.

Doesn't hurt to be thankful once in a while, eh?

残了。怎样去考试？书没有读完，又睡不着，只能够躺在床上担心自己成绩出来会怎样。没有精神读了，什么都读不进。多么的pekchek啦！为什么我会用华语写的？我的华语烂到像saisai这样。唉，快要疯了。进疯人院更好明天不用考试。难道我要这样过这三个星期吗？可以不要考试吗？快要三点了，我已经躺着两小时了，浪费了生命中的一百二十分钟躺在床上没有读书！卢茜慧，你可以去死了啦。

Rants.

Please don't continue reading.

I know, that sentence above sparks your curiosity and gives you the drive to continue reading on. Please don't.

K. I don't keep a diary. So I'd figured I'll rant it out over here. There's this like shitloads of thoughts running through my mind, I can't keep track of what I'm thinking of. Well, why not? But a diary is private and personal. A blog is.. err.. public and exposed. -.-

Sigh, it suddenly strikes me how unpredictable and uncertain the future can be. He once wrote on the blackboard If you fail to plan, you plan to fail. But what if you plan for something and then you fail to achieve it? Waste your time, planning to the very last speck of dust for the future and then something happens just to see everything you've planned perish in front of your eyes? You know how much that hurts?

I don't know la. *heaves a deep sigh*

I should be studying now. I'll make this really fast.

I feel like pinching myself. I don't know what I want yet. I don't know what I want to get out of life. Life's not meaningless, it's up to each individual to find out what life means to them. I still can't find mine. I'm 17. I'm going to graduate from high school soon. I don't even know if I can pass trials. No, srsly. This is not the usual lack-of-confidence self speaking. Sigh. Well, let it be la.

The other day, when I was in Island Hospital doing a regular follow up, my mom met some friend's aunt or something. This is roughly how the conversation went:-

Her: Hello, you're such a big girl now! How old are you?
Me: 17.
Her: So you're having SPM this year?
Me: Yes. *smiles so I don't come across as being rude*
Her: So tell me what you're going to do next?
Me: Huh? Err, A-levels or something?
Her: Yes yes, after that?
Me: Err, I don't know yet?
Her: HOW CAN YOU NOT KNOW WHAT YOU WANT TO DO NEXT? I'M GOING TO TELL YOUR MOM! Ask your mom to guide you! You must know what you want! You're 17 and you don't know yet?
Me: *smiles*

Then she turned over to mommy to complain about my lack of plans for the future. Bluehh.

I felt.. Shitty inside and out.

You don't think it's frustrating not knowing what I want yet?

Sigh, I swear, after trials, happy time is over. I really have to catch up with the lessons I've missed. See! My brain is starting to rust. Ugh.

The more frustrating thing is, when I see everyone around me study and they're so far off, I feel.. *chokes herself to death*

He's Love, He's All That I Need.

He's DA DAWG YO.
He poops he pees he sneezes.

Tomorrow onwards, I'm going to be sitting for the second most important exam in my 17 years of life. Yet it's one of the most relaxing ones I've ever taken. God help me.

MY name in Greek! :D

Volkswagen. Das Auto.

The Weird Things I do.

Hiya! This is my 200th post! I've been blogging for thwee years now. Though I'm not very successful at it, am I? : / Kla I say thwee years but I deleted a whole lotta embarrassing stuff. Bahahaha. Not for the eyes of the public, not to mention people I know in real life. :P So yeah, archive got 2 years 10 months lor. Or eleven. Or whatever. Lazy to count. I know I'm boring you with these useless facts. Just to prove that I suck at Math.

So ok, back to title.

#1 I listen to THIS everyday.

Go on, click it. Though I can't embed the original video, this one will do :D I listen to it every morning when I wake up and it never fails to leave a smile on my face. A good way to brighten my day. :D #syoksendiri

#2 I can't stand oily doorknobs. Ksry. So I obsessively clean them with tissue papers and then I'll wash my hands with soap to get rid of grease. *shows off Chemistry knowledge* *coughs coughs* I know. Contributing to environmental pollution. I'm a bad citizen. I deserve to be cast away to Azkaban so that the Dementors can suck out my soul then my true love can cry 3 days 3 nights so that I can know who my true love is in heaven. *coughs coughs* Oh wait, suck out soul then where soul go to? I still have to know who my true love is! *coughs*

#3 I stare at how the needles are pierced into my skin and eventually find a potential vein to suck blood from. My grammar sucks. Get use to it. All I'm saying is, I stare intently at how my blood sample is extracted every single time I do a blood test. :D And I've found out that, if you're a righty and the take a sample from your left, it hurts more. :D Because the veins are bigger and it's less painful when you use that particular arm or often? :O

#4 When I'm mad, when someone makes me angry, when I'm sad or depressed or miserable, when I miss my mom, when I'm PMS-ing, I on my lappie and.. and... and.. download movie soundtracks. Here. That'll cheer me up for a while. :D Though is this weird? Hmm, Superman Theme Song! :D OMG JOHN WILLIAMS + HANS ZIMMER. Beh tong beh tong! Ahhhh *faits* Still don't think it's mainstream. Mainstream meh? Yer.

#5 I stalk blogs. LOL. Go have a look at my Blogger blog roll. And I recently got addicted to Tumblr. As in, I don't reblog stuff, I just stalk. Bahaha. Facebook is boring, reading about other people's life is more exciting! *bangs head repeatedly on the wall* I can do Chemistry halfway then stalk people's blog one lor! See I'm a good contributor to lotsa pageviews. Good netizen. *pats herself*

#6 When I miss my mom, I eat. Like yeah, carrots and stuff. Sitting in front of the tv biting on raw carrots like a bunny. You know, it's rich in vitamin C. And yeah, slowly getting a bucktooth. Braces didn't work well. Blasted RM 3000+. Waste of money.

#7 Number 6 was a lie. Everything except the first sentence. So number 7 is, I lie. You will never know the truth! *grins* Kla, guilt will take over me one when I lie. I can't tell a lie well. If you're good enough, my facial expression will give myself away. Lucky this is a blog. You can't see my face when I blog. I'd probably be doing something weird like picking my nose in front of the screen. (Let your imaginations run wild, dear!) Geez, lying isn't weird. Should change title of this post adi. Oh well, number 7 could also be picking my nose in front of the computer screen! :D Though it's going to be yet another lie.... Or is it? *winks*

Although I'm pretty positive that I'm weird, for some reason, this is a cacat list again. Bahaha. So yeah, till here! BAI!

Hype Hype!

My God you've gotten fat. I miss my mom I miss my mom I miss my mom.

P.S. I don't tolerate bullshit from people I love dearly. Stop having crappy conversations with me, TQVM.

P.P.S. Words are like daggers. Once thrown, you can't get it back. The damage is done.

P.P.P.S. "Half hearted or insincere apologies are often worse than not apologizing at all because recipients find them insulting."

P.P.P.P.S. Hello September! :D

KKK la. P.S. I Love You. :P