I love to poop.

K, I'm not gonna brag on how good it feels like to poop because everyone knows it...

I haven't written a decent post on what I've been up to lately. Hmm, so I'd use this 15 minutes of my time before I go for tuition to blog! :D

I didn't go to school today. Truancy? Maybe. But hey I feel bloody tired k. It's like there's a limited amount of energy for me to do my daily activities, so I'd have to learn to prioritise things from now on. 'Cause by the end of the day, I'd probably feel so zapped out I can't really concentrate on what I'm doing. #livingwithlupie

So I made another trip to GH today. Eepoh was diagnosed with Osteoarthritis and the can't do anything about it except to give her pain killers and physiotherapy. I wasn't supposed to go to these places, actually. Mom was like "WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN GH?". I felt that if I didn't go, I'd feel guilty cause she was there for me when I was sick. Heheheh, I feel so grown up. I registered for her and got a wheelchair for her. *zilian* Though feeling sick and nauseous after that. :( ZAPPED.

It was a miracle that she got to see the doctor today. I don't want to see her suffer. :(

So my sixth blood test is tomorrow. OH GH AGAIN. Bleh. That Malay dude that took my sample two weeks ago was so damn chor lor. Blue black until now leh. I hope I meet better ones tomorrow. :D

Actually GH not bad lar. I shouldn't complain that much. Everything also free. :D The only thing is hygiene and nursing care nia lor.

Here's a rose from me to you.

Sometimes.

Sometimes,
I feel like there's something heavy on my chest
That cannot be lifted no matter how hard I breathe.
Is it a sign of weakness?

I feel like a psychotic freak sometimes.

Sacrifices.

I think we all have to make some sacrifices at some point in our lives? Big or small, it hurts, sometimes. I'm going to give up on Italy. I'm not going to fill in the application form. I'm going to pour kerosene on it and set fire to it.

I'm not going to grab one of the biggest opportunities that is swinging right in front of me like a pendulum on a string, or rather, a kid playing with bubbles, trying to grab them in his hand. I don't know where these metaphors come from, but yeah, it's from somewhere deep deep down that still hurts.

Shit, I'm not talking sense.

Priorities change with time. I don't know where I'm headed anymore. SPM? Trials? Like shit, yeah, trials. I don't think I can do it. I don't think I can meet everyone's expectations. Stop expecting from me, okay? I don't even know what to aim for, anymore. Credits? To pass all my subjects? What? I don't know!

I plan to quit half my tuition classes. Don't ask me why. And don't tell me that it's going to affect my results because I know it will. I know what I'm doing, at least I think I do. I don't know. I need to change my lifestyle. I can't just go to school, come home, sleep in the afternoon, wake up, eat, go for tuition, pack my bags and sleep again. I barely have enough time to breathe. I'd just have to suffocate. I can't put myself through all these anymore.

Don't ask me about my future. Because I'm currently taking things one step at a time. I live one day at a time. Don't ask me where I plan to go after SPM because I don't even know whether I'm going to have the qualifications to get into a college, or to study A-levels. And I hate to think beyond that because I REALLY DON'T KNOW.

I'm just.. lost.

Fine, I can go and enroll in a photography course and live as a photographer. Or whatever. If. I. Fail.

I've decided that I'm going to take SPM this year, partly because he was reassuring. Maybe, I don't know. Expectations all over again.

It's really useless things to worry about, really. People with terminal stage cancer can score straight A's, why can't I? Damn you Chien Huey you useless bastard. Toughen up, you sickly little brat. Beat the hell outta everything.

I'd do anything to stay away from Prednisolone and Hydroxychloroquine Sulfate. I hate what those drugs are doing to my body. Being vegan included. I think I'm going to slowly switch my diet into a meatless one, and then eventually give up dairy products. If it works, why not give it a try?

I should be thankful. I know I really should.

I pray for strength.

Fears.

Yay! I'm shortlisted! And I'm here to talk about my feelings WTF.

I really, really, really, really, really, really want to go. I want to go to Italy. Everytime I hear the song Le Festin I think of AFS. Even though that song is in French and I'd want to go to France. But I don't know French, so I'd settle for Italy because it's an awesome place too and I'm getting out of the topic here.

But who would pick someone who is on 13 and a half pills a day, is photosensitive and has to watch what she consumes? Ugh.

Why would Italy pick me if I'm so fragile I'll have to be on antibiotics or get hospitalized if I get a normal fever? Why would my host family pick me if I'm so sipek mahuan? What happens if I get a flare over there? Why would they go through all the trouble to do that when they can pick someone healthy, fine, has good academic grades and so on?

The point is, I don't care. I really want to go. Lupus is not going to stop me.

Oh yeah right, perfect timing, lupus. How many days to trials and you start to get serious now?

I don't care! I'm gonna apply anyway. And I won't stop until I get rejected or something. I won't lose hope. If they reject me they'd better have a good explanation or I'd sue for discrimination against SLE patients. Blueh.

KI HIAO.

At Least We Know What She's Gonna Look Like When She's Pregnant.

GO READ THE SPOON THEORY! Go go go! Beautifully written piece to describe how it felt like for me for the past month.

And now, I'm gonna emphasize on the fact that I'm not pregnant. It was just a whole lotta water retention and swelling everywhere, even my face became huge. But cute what, right? I lost 2 kgs overnight after taking Prednisolone. Yes, finally. I hate to think what I'm doing to my liver, but ah well, as long as it keeps me going, why should I complain? Anyway, if I stop now, I might get a flare, again or worse, a comatose (like what the doctor warned)?

Kay, second opinion in GH suggests that I have SLE too. Or diagnose, or whatever. I did four blood tests in a period of one month, seen four to five doctors who all seemed to give the same diagnosis (except the first one who told me I had RA and asked me to patiently wait for a month and do nothing while swallowing painkillers and wait for my immune system to balance off), got hospitalized for four days, missed school for nearly two weeks in total, been in pain until I couldn't get out of bed, sat in a wheelchair for the first time in my life because I couldn't walk and watched Captain America on first day of the premiere. :P Kla, I loved the ending, :D

And now I'm fineeee! [A bit woozy and nauseous at times, but fine]  :D Steroids, they work like MAGIC.

I'm not on drugs k. At least not the bodybuilder type of Steroids. Carefully under the doctor's prescription one lah. Though I have to take it for years to suppress my immune system. (I hate to think what I'm gonna look like two years from now.) Oops! No sharing food from now on. :(

Imma be a NINJA! Wrapped from top to toe in black cloth so I won't melt under the hot UV exposed sun.

Now I'm gonna rant on how beh syok I am with the government. 3 specialists share one room one desk in the consultation room in GH each having their own patients? Siao ar? Like no money like that. Penang is easily the second biggest city in Malaysia. Pfft. Dunno how to take care of their own citizens. How to become developed country if got sick people everywhere? :X

And this is what I do when I get bored --->

Looks nice right? Too bad I can't have fruits because it causes swelling? Along with a whole long list of other potentially harmful foods compiled by the SLE counselor, Ayurvedic doctor and thank God for the internet.

Lala Land.

I met up with this lady who had Rheumatoid Arthritis two years ago. Kinda inspiring leh. SHE FEELS MEHHH. Though she had it bad. Hers was worse. She couldn't get out of bed, couldn't bathe, couldn't urinate by herself. She described her pain with 'like as though someone twisted my hand' kinda thing. Whenever I'm in pain, I'll think of her. She's alright now, even thought me what to do. Like for example, keep a notebook to record what I eat to keep track of what food triggers it. Told me to see Penang's only Rheumatologist who is in GH. Though I think I have to wait for another three weeks unless I go limping into the emergency room? Hmm.

Mom doesn't believe that I have SLE, because my Anti ds DNA is borderline negative (means no tissue damage), even though my ANA count is very high (means my immune system kisiao liao). Aiyah whatever it is, it's classified under the same category, innit? Autoimmune diseases. Just that SLE is.. non-specific and it can attack other organs too if I'm not careful. RA only affects the joints.

Random thought: For those who are interested to pursue medicine, please be a Rheumatologist. Can earn lots of money one since there's only like one in PG.

Kla feel very uncomfortable in this position since my left hand is bloody swollen like ba bao aneh.

CAMWHORE --->

Look how fat I've become? Put on like 6kgs in two weeks. Pro leh! Should be in the Biggest Gainer Asia. -.-

This is me, again, fighting yet another autoimmune disease. Or maybe, fighting myself. Sigh, I wonder...

Nevermind those. Penang has only ONE Rheumatologist? Haha. Ulu place lar.

Ah well, one this is certain, the future is uncertain.

Life isn't fair, it has never been.

Oysters and Mud.

A satisfying Sunday outing. Hope you like it. Chien Huey is currently down. Will be back soon. Kthxbai.

Hello there! Well, I haven't really blogged much lately. Just pictures and stuff to keep my page going. I know, I'm a horrible, terrible, fermented vegetable blogger. Well who cares? :)

I've been busy lately. I mean, REAL busy. With life. Haha. The colour of my skin is as black as charcoal, there are dark circles under my eyes and I've recently adopted a habit of catching a few winks in class. Sigh I know, I'm a terrible student. I should go hang myself. I deserve to.

Okay, I have nothing much to say now, really. Unless you get me started on politics which will then get me into trouble. :)

***************

So here's another picture.

This time, of something that I'm proud of.

The 1947 wedding portrait of Mr and Mrs Law Joo Keun shows costumes and head-dress typical of Penang Babas and Nyonyas.

Caption from the book "Old Penang".

One of the Many Silent Heroines on Earth. :)

Their names don't get mentioned in History books.
They often don't get enough credit for they've done.
That is, to touch other people's lives.

Because that's the only thing that keeps me going. :)

Random Messed Up Thoughts.

I'd want to be chosen for National Service if I don't make it for AFS.

What doesn't kill makes you stronger. :)

I'm hungry for some exciting adventure.

Conventional beauty standards be damned!

I'm so dead for blogging when there's a pile of stuff left to be done.

I should stop distracting myself from my priorities.

I should be a happier person. I am a happier person.

I'll never regret for telling the truth.

Friends are kisses blown to us by angels.

现在的孩子不知道喝什么牛奶长大的。

You coloured my life.

Now all I can see is black
and white.