Skin colour?

I was flipping channels on tv yesterday when i had the stinky oil on my hair for one hour yesterday and i saw this movie 'The Election Of Barack Obama'. Since there's nothing decent on tv nowadays i settled on that movie. I really support president Obama. I really do. And i salute him for getting through with that campaign and being able to come up with the concept 'CHANGE' that touched millions of american citizens. Lol. Yeah, it's been two years since that whole drama. But i wanna blog about it. This is my blog. :P not yours.

Although the Democrats isnt doing quite well lately. Well, you cant blame him right? The economy is so bad now. So it's mid term election now. And according to CNN this morning the Republicans are taking the lead. Lol. Ahh well, let's return to the election two years back. There was this footage in the movie where a guy, said 'I will not let a black be my president'. Oh shit. What?

And so, the spark of this blog post.

I still don't get racism. Stereotypes. Your skin colour means a lot to you? Come on. We're all human. Why do we have to put ourselves into different boxes by our skin colour, race or religion? This is the twenty first century we are talking about. Not the twentieth century or the nineteenth century. We are human. Civilised human. We can live in buildings, high class penthouses, eat with table manners but we cannot get over something so small as discrimination?

I am Asian. And i know people look down on Asians too. I came across this blog once where a girl who is part Asian, part ang moh, whichever country her parent was from insisting that she wasn't Asian and she was white. She, herself looks down on Asians too. So ho liao meh ang moh? China coming up already lah! Beat that! Hah! Lol. Although i don't like studying mandrin. Different story, back to topic.

Asians so what? Blacks so what? Ang moh so what? We don't have to kneel and kiss the floor when ang mohs walk past. We can be proud of who we are but BUT not look down on other people. Don't come and tell me Indians or Malays or blacks or bla bla bla. Hey, be civilised a bit la. We look down on other people, other people also look down on us too. Do you like that feeling of being insulted solely because of your race/religion? No right? So shut up. Thanks.

Feelings.

Sigh. I dont know what to say. I want to feel pretty. I want to have a head full of hair. I will heal. I will get better. Because if i dont i wont know what else to do anymore. Yeah it's not a life threatening disease or whatever. *deep breath* but i can't get over it. You know how much hair i'm losing one day? I'm scared. I'm actually desperate. I went for ayurvedic the day after i went to see the western doctor. And i'm having three types of chemicals on my head everyday. I hate the smell of the oil. It clogs up my nose i feel like i want to vomit. I have that on for one hour, wash it off and then apply the herb extract on my spotties. Then the topical con something steroids at night. I dont take the western medicine though. It's for anxiety. See? Even a doctor has to give me medicine for anxiety. I dont believe that pills can control your emotions. If i'm really anxious, it's caused by by the problem not the other way around. Pills can only control the chemicals secreted by the brain for certain emotions. It doesnt solve the problem for you. It's sort of like taking drugs. I get this mood swings daily. Sometimes i feel so down and sometimes i feel really happy. But mostly i just feel indifferent. I drink 3 litres of water everyday since the day i got that jab in hopes of washing all the chemicals out of my body. Please lah. It's chemicals ok! It shouldnt be in my body. I hope i get well before the next shot. I dont want to have sleepless nights again. I wake up like 3 times at night. If all else fails, ah i'll be like one of the bald models on tv. Proud of who i am. But for now, i still dont know if i can get through this process. I hope i get well. Because if i dont. Well.. *shrugs*

Shhh stop complaining.

Like what i read. Hmm. I err.. Had my first round of steroid injection. Except its not on the scalp but on my butt. Lol. Anyway. I hope this works. The doctor said there will be no side effects. I hope so. But i still dont trust western medicine. The treat the disease but not cure it. I mean, this is an autoimmune disease right? So they should sort of balance my immune system instead of having steroids injected into the patient's body for the hair to grow back. Anyway, i hope it does work. I'll stop complaining and see what happens. The doctor is.. Caring. I like him. :)

I'm thoroughly disappointed with this fucking world.

I have alopecia. Okay. I have bald patches across my head. For all i care if i have to shave my head bald so be it. But i'm not going to waste my mom's money. Okay? She just spent nearly two thousand dollars on my hair. Frankly, how can a bottle of 200ml of herb extracts cost 260? I'm disappointed that this world is so materialistic people talk in terms of money. U want to get well? Yeah. A few thousand dollars. No money? Go away we're not helping you. I want to study overseas. I want to. Nothing is going to stop me. Not even my hair. Fine. Shave my head bald. I dont care anymore. I've actually come to the point where i dont care anymore. I'm getting this mood swings when i think of it. How can ONE hair treatment cost 400+? Which involves a massage, a shampoo wash, cleaning, and some herb extracts to go with it. 400 for all those? Once? Are you kidding me? I'm so damn frustrated. I want to get well. I want a full head of hair. Bu i dont think i can get well without spending a few thousab dollars and a minimum of 30 hrs of my life on my hair. No. It's not worth it. Miracle hair expert? Have you ever even considered if u'll spend that large amount of hard earned money on ur child's hair? Fuck. And by any chance, IF i do heal, u're asking me to use your products for life? U're bottle of shampoo costs.. What? A hundred over dollars? Siao ah? Who has that kind of money? Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.

Tomorrow i'm going to see a dermatologist. Wish me luck. I hope he doesnt recommend having steroids injected into my scalp.

I don't actually believe in western doctors and medicine but yeah. That leaves me no choice. Since a bottle of fucking herb extract costs the same or maybe more.

I love my mother. I appreciate every effort she had contributed to healing me. I think she has done enough of that.

And i shouldnt be online now. Anyway, it's my 5th day off facebook. I think i need my blog to keep me sane. I dont want to irritate people around me with these anymore. So i'll have it on my blog.

After watching oprah the other day, i sort of made myself promise not to get frustrated and be depressed because of this small 'hairy problem' that i have. Well, at least i stopped crying an feeling sorry for myself. What an idiot i was.

Fuck the people in the medical industry who is just out to get money. U've made me disappointed in u.

Nothing.

I hate it! I hate the sight of hair strands! I hate the tingling feeling i feel when hair falls onto my skin! I hate it! I wonder how long will it last? If it worsens, i'd rather shave my head bald than bear the humility of the hair falling process. Gosh! At the rate its going, people may think i'm having chemotherapy or something. I cant see my hair in bunches when kakak puts medicine for me. I know i'm exagerating. But when i look in the mirror, what do i see? I see those patches. I see the flaws. I dont feel beautiful and great. I feel.. Like i dont want to step out of the house looking like that. I want to be a princess. I want to feel like one. And i dont think stress triggered this. I think this thing i'm going through triggered stress. I feel so frustrated when i see my hair everywhere. It is MINE. Why does it have to be there, on the floor or on the table or on the bed instead of on my head? I have to be strong? Do i? Can i smile through the process of it? Yes, i'm trying my best to. I just hope it gets better. I'm being optimistic here. But everytime i see hair, i get so damn frustrated i want to hit on something. Its not life threatening or anything but i cant face the society. I cant face myself in the mirror. Be grateful for what i have on my head. I'm trying to. And how am i supposed to recover when i'm under so much stress? I'm lack of sleep. Exam is coming. I want to go for grading. I want what i want! I want to make my mom proud. But i'm near to breaking point. I cant handle so many things. I spent 1 hour on my hair every single day. 1 hour! Argh! I want to beat something up. And please dont stay away from me. This is an autoimmune disease. It isnt contagious. Thank you.

:D

Dear faithful blog, I'm blogging on my phone. :) I didn't think that there would be an app like this since the original blogger site doesn't work too well on safari. But yeah. That proves me wrong. :D

I've changed my URL that I've used for 2 years to prevent unwanted stalkers. But I don't think it would be useful since anyone can stalk me without me knowing. That's one thing I don't like about blogger. Unfair. *jumps in rage*

Blah.

Hmm. I didn't want to use the lappie because that would be too obvious, since my results weren't what me and, especially, my mom expected. Yes. I got it baaaad. I failed one subject. If I fail that subject in SPM next year, muahaha. So there. :)

It's seven. I'd better get down for dinner. Toodles. :D

Depression.

Gosh. I hate holidays. Just one day and I'm depressed. I spent the whole day in front of the television watch Glee and The Last Song. Yes I DID THAT ALL DAY. Can you imagine how disturbing that is? And the sad part is, I'm not entertained. I just sit in front of the tv waiting for the show to end. Episode by episode. I guess an episode a week is nice, but 10+ episodes in a day is making my head hurt. I just want this holiday to end. I want my friends back. And to those lying in the hospital bed playing Farmville or Facebook, PLEASE recover soon. I need you. Sigh.

OMG OMG OMG OMG a new post! How interesting! AND SO, she decided yet again, to blog! What to blog about, though? Lets see.

I went to Weylyn's house again! To do Moral folio. But we DID take pictures. And then we started talking again. You see, you can't avoid that. That's what girls do when they're together. They talk. They can't help it. They're just hungry for dirty little secrets.

Bobo is getting old. He looks frail. Hurts you know, when I see him and knowing fully well I didn't spend enough time with him. So I took him out for a walk the other day. I should do that more often. He is obedient, at least more obedient than WL's dogs.

Speaking about Bobo, I think I've been ignoring my surroudnings quite a lot these days. I'm sort of stuck in my own little world not wanting to come out. I hate myself when I think about it. Yes I'm trying to change. Like someone tells me something and I can automatically block it out. That's called PRO ok. But that isn't good. I have to be more patient. More understanding. Thats what I want myself to be. And yes, I'm talking about old people who spend their time nagging all day. Sorry, eepoh. Sigh.

I think I'm more happy this year? Maybe. Hmm.

You see, that's what I dislike about blogging. I get all mixed up with my emotions. Really in touch with them. I just blurt everything out. Keep this up and I'll get emotional. Although I don't need blogs to make me emotional. According to Yapu, I've become quite emotional these days.

HOMEWORK IS PILING UP. and I'm gonna die soon. Skip this.

I'm gonna sleep soon. Till the next post, au revoir!

Lady Gaga is weird.

Hello my inactive blog. How do you do? So yes, I decided to start blogging again. Well, no. Just one post that's all.

Lady Gaga gets weirder every music video. Try Alejandro on YouTube if you haven't seen it yet.

"I feel like I'm watching porn." quote Ying Hui.

Why I feel threatened by a nine-year-old on Facebook.

I miss..

My tuition teacher who was with me for 5 years. Who went to New Zealand just last year and isn't planning to come back for another few years or so, not even just for a visit.. I really, really miss her. I don't hate her now. I just want to go for tuition again. [This sounds so stupid] Yeah I feel like I've banged my head on the wall. [Ouch] But it's sooo worth it. Without her, I wouldn't be who I am now. I wouldn't be here. I would probably be stuck in some shitty school with friends I don't imagine myself hanging out with. [Hiperbola] But yeah.. She's done a great deal in fixing my life. This sounds so perfect, yes, it wasn't like that when I was with her. I used to dislike her [at times]. She has the power to influence me, [sometimes, in a negative way] about life. Because I see her 2 or 3 times a week, half the time talking nonsense. I miss her. I used to bake cakes with her, go for lunch in Chilli's with her, oh yeah, and even TGIF because she didn't know the way from her house to Queensbay. This is what you get when you hated that person for five years and you thought she ruined your life by shouting at you and telling your mom you didn't do your homework, but at the end of it, she left to persue her own life somewhere far, far away.. And you end up missing her like hell.

This sounds so perfect, but it's not. I just.. Miss her..

And I miss the next door neighbour whom I was not close too but was my neighbour for 15 years.

Haha.. Corny much?

Chien is NOT in a good mood today.
Chien is emo today.
Chien didn't go to school today.
Damn.
Damn everything.

You know that kind of feeling when you have LOADS to do but yet you are wasting your time doing nothing? Heh. I'm driving myself mad. Sigh. Oh well. Update.

I'm gonna learn French. Well, not gonna. I'm learning. By myself. Bought French for Dummies. And I want to learn archery. Yes, I admit. I've gone crazy. And cooking so that I still can survive overseas, that is, if I have enough money to go overseas in a few year's time. Hey, I'm a small girl with a huge dream. I guess that's too big for me to imagine. Quote from PS. I Love You "Aim for the moon, because if you miss, you'll end up amongst the stars!". The future's uncertain. So the NOW factor.

I WANT MY OWN ROOM. I'M PISSED. I've figured that's too hard for them. But I still don't get it. Yes, I'm pissed. But I can't stay pissed for long. Yet I want my own room so badly. Whatever. I wish I could just move out or have my own place to stay. It's killing me, you know. This place. This room. Don't get me wrong. I love my family. I love my parents. I love my grandaunt who raised me up to become what I am now. But I FRIGGIN NEED MY OWN ROOM.

Oh geez homework time. Ciao.

I LOVE.

Since I can't think of anything to blog about, well, I thought of creating a list of things I like. Hee.

Artists I love [at the moment]: [Or maybe these are singers whose songs I currently listen to]
1. TAYLOR SWIFT. She writes her own songs!
2. Hilary Duff. Changed. Well, I used to like her.
3. Adam Lambert. Awesome vocals, thinks that he is a bit weird though.
4. LOL. Does GLEE count? DON'T STOP BELIEVING hold on to that feeling.
5. 21 Guns Green Day ft. American Idiots. NICE! Oh wait this is a song.
6. OH DID I MENTION I LOVE AARON KELLY? HE IS SO FRIGGIN' CUTE. But he is just ok nia. Don't stand out in American Idol.
7. Justin Bieber. He. Is. Cute. But... Nice meh his songs?
8. Adya. Classical. Change the title to songs I like la. Aiya.
9. David Archuleta! Gogogo search his songs. So nice. Not just his singles.
10. Boys Like Girls! Two, is better than oneeeeee.

Aiyah. This is so random. Scratch that.

I didn't do my homework. I don't even know what homework we have. Gah. Test papers. Tomorrow. I just hope I don't fail anything. Oh yeah. I didn't fail Chinese. Woohoo! Now I just hope I don't fail BM..

K. Goingtobednow. Bonne nuit.

Looong time no bloggie.. Oh well.. Mummy took home the Celcom broadband stick thingy from the office so that I could online! Yay! Gah. Anyway.. I don't quite know what to write. People don't seem to be blogging that much these days. And I just found out that I actually CAN survive without blogging. Hehe. And maybe if I blog too much, I would get in touch with my feelings which just drives me mad going over my problems or fantasies. LOL. I don't know what logic is that but anyways.. Life is kinda good. Happy. Fine. Bien. No worries. Hakuna Matata. Yeah right. LOL. Hyper? Maybe.

Dinner. Ciao.